100 posts for the new year
woooo woo woow owwowoowow
Thursday, December 31, 2009
I think
I only have one true new years resolution
only one that really matters to me the most...
or maybe just my most important
It's just to put every piece together
live in harmony with every facet of myself
in that, i'll take control of my life and become who i want to be
And yes i'm sure I could list it out as goals. Steps, to help along the way
Maybe I will
But if I keep that in mind, nothing can go too wrong.Yeah, I think i'll write it out
only one that really matters to me the most...
or maybe just my most important
It's just to put every piece together
live in harmony with every facet of myself
in that, i'll take control of my life and become who i want to be
And yes i'm sure I could list it out as goals. Steps, to help along the way
Maybe I will
But if I keep that in mind, nothing can go too wrong.Yeah, I think i'll write it out
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Again, with the enneagram thing
why does it upset me so much that I can't just have a type?
Everytime I take that stupid test I get mixed, various results
I can't even answer the questions, because I'm unsure of the answers
how about I must be sure of the answers to be happy? Is there a type for that?
Well
I'm having a hard time accepting that just because i'm not unhappy anymore, it doesn't mean that I suddenly have a flawless grasp on who I am like I used to.
Yeah, I was wrong, and mean, and self-centered, and judgemental....
but at least I knew it. Knew myself.
Do you prefer the new mackenzie or the old one?
It's probably not possible to say yet.
But I wanna make sure you know them both very well.
Everytime I take that stupid test I get mixed, various results
I can't even answer the questions, because I'm unsure of the answers
how about I must be sure of the answers to be happy? Is there a type for that?
Well
I'm having a hard time accepting that just because i'm not unhappy anymore, it doesn't mean that I suddenly have a flawless grasp on who I am like I used to.
Yeah, I was wrong, and mean, and self-centered, and judgemental....
but at least I knew it. Knew myself.
Do you prefer the new mackenzie or the old one?
It's probably not possible to say yet.
But I wanna make sure you know them both very well.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Enneagram tests stress me out
I don't like how my level of distress depends so little on my outside enviroment.
I'm so dangerously introverted in ways, ways that make it so it's completely possible for me to truly exist in my head.
to consider myself when i'm alone, and around others, practically two different people. That's something I would like to change.
But changing that feels impossible somehow.
I used to be able to exist in my world. I used to be the same consistant person through and through... And I'm guessing it's just because of my powerlessness towards my immidiate enviroment that causes me to be at such a loss of identity in social situations versus when i'm alone. But in my past, I was so comfortable in my life and enviroment because i'd created it all. I belonged in it so thouroughly because I had such control over it. So I guess I wasn't as independant as I thought? Well I know that now. I've recognized that.
I've recognized a lot of things that I thought to be true about myself to surprise me by not being true at all. That all my perceptions of past events were thouroughly flawed, self-serving, and crude.
Now, my very core problem is this: Since I've seemingly learned so much about myself -- past, present, and future -- I want to be able to keep the good parts of myself from the past, and blend them with everything i've learned in the present. How can I do that when the two sides seem so contrary? How could I possibly find a balance in that?
How do I find balance?
How do I find security?
I need to do yoga or something I worry way too much for my own good
I'm so dangerously introverted in ways, ways that make it so it's completely possible for me to truly exist in my head.
to consider myself when i'm alone, and around others, practically two different people. That's something I would like to change.
But changing that feels impossible somehow.
I used to be able to exist in my world. I used to be the same consistant person through and through... And I'm guessing it's just because of my powerlessness towards my immidiate enviroment that causes me to be at such a loss of identity in social situations versus when i'm alone. But in my past, I was so comfortable in my life and enviroment because i'd created it all. I belonged in it so thouroughly because I had such control over it. So I guess I wasn't as independant as I thought? Well I know that now. I've recognized that.
I've recognized a lot of things that I thought to be true about myself to surprise me by not being true at all. That all my perceptions of past events were thouroughly flawed, self-serving, and crude.
Now, my very core problem is this: Since I've seemingly learned so much about myself -- past, present, and future -- I want to be able to keep the good parts of myself from the past, and blend them with everything i've learned in the present. How can I do that when the two sides seem so contrary? How could I possibly find a balance in that?
How do I find balance?
How do I find security?
I need to do yoga or something I worry way too much for my own good
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Now how is it
That everything is parallel?
That when you fall, I fall,
and when I'm fixed, you're fixed?
Is everything really that connected?
I love you Savannah, I love you Saskia, I love you Jack
You are
it for me
That when you fall, I fall,
and when I'm fixed, you're fixed?
Is everything really that connected?
I love you Savannah, I love you Saskia, I love you Jack
You are
it for me
Thursday, December 24, 2009
All there is
is sunshine
all i can see is sunshine
sunshine sunshine
If you put a few pieces in the puzzle,
maybe fill in the outline,
it because suddenly too easy for all the other pieces to fall into place
one by one everything becomes so clear, so brilliant,
and im better now than i've ever been
i have paid my dues,
and felt my old mistakes
So.... I win
I win the game,
I won,
and I'm on top where nothing can touch me
all i can see is sunshine
sunshine sunshine
If you put a few pieces in the puzzle,
maybe fill in the outline,
it because suddenly too easy for all the other pieces to fall into place
one by one everything becomes so clear, so brilliant,
and im better now than i've ever been
i have paid my dues,
and felt my old mistakes
So.... I win
I win the game,
I won,
and I'm on top where nothing can touch me
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I'll take a small second,
to brag about how well i'm doing
and how bright the future is....
as opposed to a few months back when i saw no future at all
deep breath, big smile....
Okay. Now, onto you.
and how bright the future is....
as opposed to a few months back when i saw no future at all
deep breath, big smile....
Okay. Now, onto you.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Hey
"Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy... but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird." TKAM
"Let you alone! That's all very well, but how can I leave myself alone? We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
F451
"You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. Man, when I was young I shoved my ignorance in people's faces. They beat me with sticks. By the time I was forty my blunt instrument had been honed to a fine cutting point for me. If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn."
F451
"'Maybe there is a beast....maybe it's only us.'"
LOTF
"Let you alone! That's all very well, but how can I leave myself alone? We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
F451
"You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. Man, when I was young I shoved my ignorance in people's faces. They beat me with sticks. By the time I was forty my blunt instrument had been honed to a fine cutting point for me. If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn."
F451
"'Maybe there is a beast....maybe it's only us.'"
LOTF
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Better
And sometimes when you're on,
You're really fucking on.
And your friends they sing along,
And they love you...
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence...
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better
And You'll be smarter
And More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be Happy.
Happy happy happy,
hope hope hope
You're really fucking on.
And your friends they sing along,
And they love you...
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence...
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better
And You'll be smarter
And More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be Happy.
Happy happy happy,
hope hope hope
Saturday, December 19, 2009
So.... The plan,
Is all laid out, not complete but the outline looks good
I have "goals" now, So that's good
I still don't exactly feel like myself,
at least the version I'm most familiar with
I guess this means the old skins are shed,
and I'm just this raw being ready to begin
It's not at all easy. Still really tense. Hard to think
But we've got
-Honesty
-Realism
-Optimism
-Boldness
-Self-esteem
Among other things. A promise to open up, and reach out
Care about the ones who care about me
Break the isolation and make plans, and keep them
And a promise to "leave the past in the past,
and lace up a new set of shoe strings."
Let go
Let go
Let go
To forgive
So much to remember...
I have "goals" now, So that's good
I still don't exactly feel like myself,
at least the version I'm most familiar with
I guess this means the old skins are shed,
and I'm just this raw being ready to begin
It's not at all easy. Still really tense. Hard to think
But we've got
-Honesty
-Realism
-Optimism
-Boldness
-Self-esteem
Among other things. A promise to open up, and reach out
Care about the ones who care about me
Break the isolation and make plans, and keep them
And a promise to "leave the past in the past,
and lace up a new set of shoe strings."
Let go
Let go
Let go
To forgive
So much to remember...
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Hey You
Letter to Self
Be done with the anger
Listen to your logic.... for more than 10 minutes
If something feels like it's the truth, chase it
Pay attention to the things you're learning,
don't let yourself forget it. And also, stop falling into your own patterns.
Just because sadness feels real doens't mean its right.
Where, in the last 5 months, has it gotten you?
Nowhere but down, as far as I can see.
Nothing will change -- YOU won't change, unless you make yourself
And I know i'm repeating myself. I really do want to change though... At least, I want things to change. It's all here, it's possible. And I'm sorry you can't work out the puzzles, I'm sorry that you over-analyze everything. I'm sorry you think but never do. But in reality, it's probably not as hard as you think. I say, we try to remember what we've already learned.... try to take the memories and put them to use.
I'm sorry people change. But that's a fact of life. You won't escape it, and you can't always fix it... or know how to. But you can't get lost in your own stupid prose and letters in your notebooks. You have to be a realist sometimes. You're self-indulgent, you're arrogant and you hate it. You don't know how, but you know you have to change yourself, NOW. Well, that involves doing things. Really working for it. It's all about work, really.
God, once you're in, it's really hard to get out.
So easy to get in, so hard to get out
Go back to the plan. Understand what happened, and what you did wrong. Then, forgive yourself. Yeah, you fucked up. I know. Forgive her, too. Try.
Why is this so hard?
Okay. Where was I? Reach out to the people who try to reach you... Less to the people you can never really reach. And remember that it is, in fact, a two-way street....
Be stronger. I'd rather you be too strong, too cold... Don't be cold. Help people, other people. Think of others.... And define what "try" means to you.
I'm losing sight of the purpose of letter... I can't get it out? I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know
Sincerely,
Be done with the anger
Listen to your logic.... for more than 10 minutes
If something feels like it's the truth, chase it
Pay attention to the things you're learning,
don't let yourself forget it. And also, stop falling into your own patterns.
Just because sadness feels real doens't mean its right.
Where, in the last 5 months, has it gotten you?
Nowhere but down, as far as I can see.
Nothing will change -- YOU won't change, unless you make yourself
And I know i'm repeating myself. I really do want to change though... At least, I want things to change. It's all here, it's possible. And I'm sorry you can't work out the puzzles, I'm sorry that you over-analyze everything. I'm sorry you think but never do. But in reality, it's probably not as hard as you think. I say, we try to remember what we've already learned.... try to take the memories and put them to use.
I'm sorry people change. But that's a fact of life. You won't escape it, and you can't always fix it... or know how to. But you can't get lost in your own stupid prose and letters in your notebooks. You have to be a realist sometimes. You're self-indulgent, you're arrogant and you hate it. You don't know how, but you know you have to change yourself, NOW. Well, that involves doing things. Really working for it. It's all about work, really.
God, once you're in, it's really hard to get out.
So easy to get in, so hard to get out
Go back to the plan. Understand what happened, and what you did wrong. Then, forgive yourself. Yeah, you fucked up. I know. Forgive her, too. Try.
Why is this so hard?
Okay. Where was I? Reach out to the people who try to reach you... Less to the people you can never really reach. And remember that it is, in fact, a two-way street....
Be stronger. I'd rather you be too strong, too cold... Don't be cold. Help people, other people. Think of others.... And define what "try" means to you.
I'm losing sight of the purpose of letter... I can't get it out? I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know
Sincerely,
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Finals are almost over
so I'm thinking again
does anyone read blogger religeously like i do?
like, log on and hooope that someone's posted a new
angry/pathetic/miserable/enlighting/self-serving/tragic
new entry?
I love reading them
I've got us four ranked in level of patheticness(word?) from 1 to 4
1 being the most, 4 being the least
If you don't agree, don't worry, just my perception
Wait
Scratch that
Because in a way, it's all equal
and it's all bad. None of us are right
we're all so wrong
I think if we were to fix things we would need to do a little anger release first
Seriously, we do it in a blog everyday, we could do it in person
Let's just all get in a group for like 4 hours and just tell each person what we feel about them.
The comments we've bitten back, offensive but probably true
everything, just let everything drop.
It would be pointless not to. We know that shits in us
in tiny little bottles,
lets just unscrew the caps
Once it's all out in the open,
then we can work on forgiveness
and possibly, forgiving even ourselves
Self-loath sticks though, and that will take a while
Because, for example Saskia, I could either never talk to you again
or I could yell at you about everything, and move on
and like your two-way street thoery,
you could kick my ass too.
Now, I realize two particular people in this little group will argue that venting will only lead to fighting, which will make things worse
Let me explain that it doesn't have to be yelling. Just TALKING.
Just honesty in it's quintessance. No walls, no secrets,
just open the flood gates....
We'd all be walking around a little lighter
or, a lot lighter
Think about it and get back to me
or i'll call you
DISCLAIMER: this is me being logical. I might change my mind and decide it better to lock up my thoughts for myself sooo cross your fingers
does anyone read blogger religeously like i do?
like, log on and hooope that someone's posted a new
angry/pathetic/miserable/enlighting/self-serving/tragic
new entry?
I love reading them
I've got us four ranked in level of patheticness(word?) from 1 to 4
1 being the most, 4 being the least
If you don't agree, don't worry, just my perception
Wait
Scratch that
Because in a way, it's all equal
and it's all bad. None of us are right
we're all so wrong
I think if we were to fix things we would need to do a little anger release first
Seriously, we do it in a blog everyday, we could do it in person
Let's just all get in a group for like 4 hours and just tell each person what we feel about them.
The comments we've bitten back, offensive but probably true
everything, just let everything drop.
It would be pointless not to. We know that shits in us
in tiny little bottles,
lets just unscrew the caps
Once it's all out in the open,
then we can work on forgiveness
and possibly, forgiving even ourselves
Self-loath sticks though, and that will take a while
Because, for example Saskia, I could either never talk to you again
or I could yell at you about everything, and move on
and like your two-way street thoery,
you could kick my ass too.
Now, I realize two particular people in this little group will argue that venting will only lead to fighting, which will make things worse
Let me explain that it doesn't have to be yelling. Just TALKING.
Just honesty in it's quintessance. No walls, no secrets,
just open the flood gates....
We'd all be walking around a little lighter
or, a lot lighter
Think about it and get back to me
or i'll call you
DISCLAIMER: this is me being logical. I might change my mind and decide it better to lock up my thoughts for myself sooo cross your fingers
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Yes
I'm still angry,
no, i don't forgive you,
yes it's your fault,
yes, i want to fucking punch you in the face
Yes, i resent you.
Yes, I envy you.
Yes, I often wish you would disappear.
Yes, you deserve it,
No, I can't remember why I love you
No, I won't say it back if I can't remember,
Yes, yes, yes i'm biting my tougue and yes, thats my biggest regret
and yeah
when i look you in the eye
i see nothing
no, i don't forgive you,
yes it's your fault,
yes, i want to fucking punch you in the face
Yes, i resent you.
Yes, I envy you.
Yes, I often wish you would disappear.
Yes, you deserve it,
No, I can't remember why I love you
No, I won't say it back if I can't remember,
Yes, yes, yes i'm biting my tougue and yes, thats my biggest regret
and yeah
when i look you in the eye
i see nothing
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Savannah Wooten
my little southern belle,
come over to my house during winter break and we can
taalk talk all night
sounds good? good
smokelike person + moonlike person = awesome
come over to my house during winter break and we can
taalk talk all night
sounds good? good
smokelike person + moonlike person = awesome
placebo
"Broken Promise"
They rise above this,
They cry about this,
As we live and learn..
A broken promise,
I was not honest,
Now I watch as tables turn,
And you're singing -
I'll wait my turn,
To tear inside you,
Watch you burn,
I'll wait my turn,
I'll wait my turn.
I'll cry about this,
And hide my cuckold eyes,
As you come off all concerned,
And I'll find no solace,
In your poor apology,
In your regret that sounds absurd,
And keep singing -
I'll wait my turn,
To tear inside you,
Watch you burn..
And I'll wait my turn,
To terrorize you,
Watch you burn..
And I'll wait my turn,
I'll wait my turn.
And this is a promise -
Promise is a promise,
Promise is a promise,
Promise is a promise.
And I'll wait my turn,
To tear inside you,
Watch you burn,
I'll wait my turn,
I'll wait my turn.
A broken promise,
You were not honest!
I'll bide my time
I'll wait my, turn.
They rise above this,
They cry about this,
As we live and learn..
A broken promise,
I was not honest,
Now I watch as tables turn,
And you're singing -
I'll wait my turn,
To tear inside you,
Watch you burn,
I'll wait my turn,
I'll wait my turn.
I'll cry about this,
And hide my cuckold eyes,
As you come off all concerned,
And I'll find no solace,
In your poor apology,
In your regret that sounds absurd,
And keep singing -
I'll wait my turn,
To tear inside you,
Watch you burn..
And I'll wait my turn,
To terrorize you,
Watch you burn..
And I'll wait my turn,
I'll wait my turn.
And this is a promise -
Promise is a promise,
Promise is a promise,
Promise is a promise.
And I'll wait my turn,
To tear inside you,
Watch you burn,
I'll wait my turn,
I'll wait my turn.
A broken promise,
You were not honest!
I'll bide my time
I'll wait my, turn.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Mackenzie completed the quiz "What is Your Inner Self?" with the result A Moonlike Person.
You hide your emotion sometimes .You are a moon type of person. You tend to be the quiet type or in contrast, you are not happy but sometimes you act it out in order for you to not... burden your friends with your problems. You've faced some problems in your life. Your heart has been dealt blows before . You tend to think about things a lot more than other people, and you may get annoyed with people who act out without thinking about consequences. You are also the type of person that others often come to with their problems because you've been through plenty, and you are very understanding. Though you sometimes feel lonely, your demeanor is usually chill, and relaxed. You usually are logical, and rely a lot on facts and information on decisions. You often keep things to yourself. This is just one side of you, and you have different faces in different situations and environments, just like the moon has phases. Thanks for taking this quiz, I hope you enjoyed it .
Talk to me, i'll listen....
i'm just a quiet moon type person
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Of course
of course of course of course
now why is it that you have everything i want and your still unhappy?
every trait, every person, every item, every little thing
and how is it that I would trade places with you in a heartbeat,
and you still find something to be unhappy about?
If you want to be unhappy, let's go ahead and trade
and then maybe you wouldn't chase it like you do
now why is it that you have everything i want and your still unhappy?
every trait, every person, every item, every little thing
and how is it that I would trade places with you in a heartbeat,
and you still find something to be unhappy about?
If you want to be unhappy, let's go ahead and trade
and then maybe you wouldn't chase it like you do
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
I
had the power to leave Oz and go home the entire time,
well why didn't someone tell me?
Because I had to figure it out on my own.
There's no place like home, no place like home, no place like home....
well why didn't someone tell me?
Because I had to figure it out on my own.
There's no place like home, no place like home, no place like home....
Absolute joy
and optimism because:
for the first time in months I feel Mackenzie coming through
just a small, elusive presence of the person I thought I was, the person I lost
The person I know I am.
Just a fleeting feeling, but unmistakable.
Like many other times I'm sure,
you promised me something, promised to fix it.
And instead of instant assent,
something flared
She says: you are not in control of this
I should've never put you there
You do not command my well-being
Somehow I've let you
I am not dependant on you,
of course I love you, but that's different,
I am myself and I should not be hanging on these slippery words.
I should be making the promises to me,
with or without you.
You can come with me if you like,
but I'm going to the top again,
and this time, I'll never stop.
Now watch as I rebuild this broken city
for the first time in months I feel Mackenzie coming through
just a small, elusive presence of the person I thought I was, the person I lost
The person I know I am.
Just a fleeting feeling, but unmistakable.
Like many other times I'm sure,
you promised me something, promised to fix it.
And instead of instant assent,
something flared
She says: you are not in control of this
I should've never put you there
You do not command my well-being
Somehow I've let you
I am not dependant on you,
of course I love you, but that's different,
I am myself and I should not be hanging on these slippery words.
I should be making the promises to me,
with or without you.
You can come with me if you like,
but I'm going to the top again,
and this time, I'll never stop.
Now watch as I rebuild this broken city
Please
wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up
so i cant tell myself it's not your fault,
that I have nothing to forgive you for
and you,
please don't worry. Don't
I want to help you but i'm not good for that
I can't help you if I cant help myself
and you,
let's talk. Let's connect
help me help you, i'll help you help you.....
help me help me, too.
Together? yes
and me,
don't cry anymore.
where there's dark there's light
just don't cry anymore....
so i cant tell myself it's not your fault,
that I have nothing to forgive you for
and you,
please don't worry. Don't
I want to help you but i'm not good for that
I can't help you if I cant help myself
and you,
let's talk. Let's connect
help me help you, i'll help you help you.....
help me help me, too.
Together? yes
and me,
don't cry anymore.
where there's dark there's light
just don't cry anymore....
Saturday, December 5, 2009
... --- ...
-.. . .- - .... .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. -.-. . .-. - .- .. -. .-.. -.-- -... . -. .. -.-. .
-... ..- - .. -.-. --- ..- .-.. -.. -. . ...- . .-. -- .- -.- . -- -.-- ... . .-.. ..-. -.. --- .. -
-.-- --- ..- .- .-. . - .... . -... .. --. --. . ... - -.. .. ... ... .- .--. --- .. -. - -- . -. - .. .... .- ...- . . ...- . .-. ..-. .- -.-. . -.. .-.-.- .- -. -.. .. -. -- .- -. -.-- .-- .- -.-- ... --..-- -.-- . ... --..-- .. - .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. -... . -.-- --- ..- .-. ..-. .- ..- .-.. - .-.-.- .. -. -- .- -. -.-- --..-- -- .- -. -.-- .-- .- -.-- ... -.-- --- ..- .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. ... .... .- .-. . - .... . -... .-.. .- -- . .-.-.- -.-- --- ..- .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. ... .... .- .-. . - .... . -... .-.. .- -- . .-.-.-
.- -. -.. - .... .- - ... -- -.-- ... . -.-. .-. . - .-.-.-
-... ..- - .. -.-. --- ..- .-.. -.. -. . ...- . .-. -- .- -.- . -- -.-- ... . .-.. ..-. -.. --- .. -
-.-- --- ..- .- .-. . - .... . -... .. --. --. . ... - -.. .. ... ... .- .--. --- .. -. - -- . -. - .. .... .- ...- . . ...- . .-. ..-. .- -.-. . -.. .-.-.- .- -. -.. .. -. -- .- -. -.-- .-- .- -.-- ... --..-- -.-- . ... --..-- .. - .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. -... . -.-- --- ..- .-. ..-. .- ..- .-.. - .-.-.- .. -. -- .- -. -.-- --..-- -- .- -. -.-- .-- .- -.-- ... -.-- --- ..- .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. ... .... .- .-. . - .... . -... .-.. .- -- . .-.-.- -.-- --- ..- .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. ... .... .- .-. . - .... . -... .-.. .- -- . .-.-.-
.- -. -.. - .... .- - ... -- -.-- ... . -.-. .-. . - .-.-.-
Friday, December 4, 2009
You and I
sat for an entire hour in silence,
because I didn't say a word
and you didn't say a word
I was having one of those days
one where I close my eyes, focusing on nothing but being gone
where everything I see, I want to destroy,
where I dare myself to hold my breath until I black out,
where I see myself for what I am - a ghost
with cold fingers, and a dead stare
And you left like you do everyday
but that's not what's important.
No. Not at all.
it's that I let you leave.
You and I sat for an entire hour in silence
because I didn't say a word
and you didn't say a word.
We've sat 5 months in silence,
because we won't say a word.
because I didn't say a word
and you didn't say a word
I was having one of those days
one where I close my eyes, focusing on nothing but being gone
where everything I see, I want to destroy,
where I dare myself to hold my breath until I black out,
where I see myself for what I am - a ghost
with cold fingers, and a dead stare
And you left like you do everyday
but that's not what's important.
No. Not at all.
it's that I let you leave.
You and I sat for an entire hour in silence
because I didn't say a word
and you didn't say a word.
We've sat 5 months in silence,
because we won't say a word.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
How wrong
will it be
until we develop a conscience?
Until I manifest myself into someone who can move, even an inch?
My question is:
Will the hurt build up so strong it becomes strength,
or wear me down a little more each day until I slip away completely?
Hey
I still don't like this
but I think you need to be alone
Alone to piece apart,
re-invent.....
Need time to start over without the pressure of the people around you
Because I dont want you to do it for me or her or him or them
but strictly for you
I want you to be the only reason for yourself
until we develop a conscience?
Until I manifest myself into someone who can move, even an inch?
My question is:
Will the hurt build up so strong it becomes strength,
or wear me down a little more each day until I slip away completely?
Hey
I still don't like this
but I think you need to be alone
Alone to piece apart,
re-invent.....
Need time to start over without the pressure of the people around you
Because I dont want you to do it for me or her or him or them
but strictly for you
I want you to be the only reason for yourself
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
It's a strange kind of peace
knowing nobody could hate you more than you yourself
nobody could think of a better insult,
a better name to call you,
you've thought of them all.
Nobody can bring you down further, dissapoint you more,
nobody could be more angry at you than you yourself are
And I know that I should still try to be better, if not for myself than for others
but I can't make myself promise to do that.
But I like the fact that I won't let the hate escape the source
because nobody deserves it but me
simply because i can't hate others if, by default, they're already better than me.
By my judgement.
So next time you think of something really good,
tell me to my face.
Tell me why I haven't had a boyfriend in a year, by your perception
tell me I'm a "fat whore"
Tell me I'm a bitch,
an ungrateful, horrible person
but look into my eyes while you do it
I want you to.
and I will have absolutely nothing negative to respond with.
I will literally feel no animosity towards you.
None.
I've finally learned where to direct the hatred.
and it's comforting
nobody could think of a better insult,
a better name to call you,
you've thought of them all.
Nobody can bring you down further, dissapoint you more,
nobody could be more angry at you than you yourself are
And I know that I should still try to be better, if not for myself than for others
but I can't make myself promise to do that.
But I like the fact that I won't let the hate escape the source
because nobody deserves it but me
simply because i can't hate others if, by default, they're already better than me.
By my judgement.
So next time you think of something really good,
tell me to my face.
Tell me why I haven't had a boyfriend in a year, by your perception
tell me I'm a "fat whore"
Tell me I'm a bitch,
an ungrateful, horrible person
but look into my eyes while you do it
I want you to.
and I will have absolutely nothing negative to respond with.
I will literally feel no animosity towards you.
None.
I've finally learned where to direct the hatred.
and it's comforting
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I can't
push it away anymore!
it's happened, it's molded, it's permenate. It's real
i can't pretend it doesn't exist, and i can't put it away for the people around me
putting on a mask, so i can make them stay
no, they'll just get the beast now.
yeah it's honest, but i don't care
who wants to be honest about this?
not even in dance class, the ultimate distraction. not at any given time,
not at school like i used to
"ITS LIKE I'M DEAD" right? well
despite your carelessness in that comment, you hit me right where it hurts
right on the head. you got me, without even seeing that you did
so every other personality trait fades into the background while this takes the wheel
the stage
it feels like every other sentance should be IT
every other word should be the truth
but i dont want to say it, dont want to feel like a fool
I learned a long time ago that telling people the truth is selfish
dont unless they ask! and if you've told them once, dont tell them twice
its just.... uncomfortable
dont ask about a shrink. they cost a lot of money... i bet.....
i dont care about the repair anymore
not right now
i just want to shut off the lights and be done done done
with thinking with feeling with functioning
clean, over, done
it's happened, it's molded, it's permenate. It's real
i can't pretend it doesn't exist, and i can't put it away for the people around me
putting on a mask, so i can make them stay
no, they'll just get the beast now.
yeah it's honest, but i don't care
who wants to be honest about this?
not even in dance class, the ultimate distraction. not at any given time,
not at school like i used to
"ITS LIKE I'M DEAD" right? well
despite your carelessness in that comment, you hit me right where it hurts
right on the head. you got me, without even seeing that you did
so every other personality trait fades into the background while this takes the wheel
the stage
it feels like every other sentance should be IT
every other word should be the truth
but i dont want to say it, dont want to feel like a fool
I learned a long time ago that telling people the truth is selfish
dont unless they ask! and if you've told them once, dont tell them twice
its just.... uncomfortable
dont ask about a shrink. they cost a lot of money... i bet.....
i dont care about the repair anymore
not right now
i just want to shut off the lights and be done done done
with thinking with feeling with functioning
clean, over, done
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Its interesting,
how instead of being all honesty all the time,
we have two seperate relationships
to match my two seperate states of being.
we have the surface relationship,
the one the floats on easily, superficial and limited
haphazardly sewn together by "How are you" texts and daily visits,
No I can't stay today, I have geometry.......
No, I'm perfectly fine, I promise, Nothing's wrong.....
"Just forget it"
"Nevermind"
Then we have this other very cowardly, very fleeting relationship that is absolutely not surface
A ghost of our past, perhaps
The Ugly Sides peaking through, scribbling scrawling Hate and Love and Fear and Sorry into thousands of crisp white pages....
This sullen, undercurrent, dark connection that all but disappears in the daylight.
But it's turning, it's twisting
it's festering
festering inside me like the new, crude sores on my right hip.
We trade our minds via notebooks,
avoiding eye contact.....
cowardly, indeed.
Well, in response,
I would really love to be the person saying sorry instead of the one on the other end.
Because I've been there before
and I mean I LIVED there.
That's always been MY role. YOU were hurt, and I was sorry.
I've only begun to realized how fucking sorry I really should have been, back then.
But now the scripts been re-written.
Tables turned.
Now you know what it's like to be sorry.
And I know just how much "I'm sorry" doesn't help at all.
And it's a very right, necessary lesson for me. It fits
and I'm learning. Yes, I'm learning what it's like to hurt.
What a fucking sick, distorted relationship(s).
Oh well, what can you do.
No, really.... What can you do?
Just make a smile come back and shine, just like it used to be,
and I whisper,
How can you do this to me?
we have two seperate relationships
to match my two seperate states of being.
we have the surface relationship,
the one the floats on easily, superficial and limited
haphazardly sewn together by "How are you" texts and daily visits,
No I can't stay today, I have geometry.......
No, I'm perfectly fine, I promise, Nothing's wrong.....
"Just forget it"
"Nevermind"
Then we have this other very cowardly, very fleeting relationship that is absolutely not surface
A ghost of our past, perhaps
The Ugly Sides peaking through, scribbling scrawling Hate and Love and Fear and Sorry into thousands of crisp white pages....
This sullen, undercurrent, dark connection that all but disappears in the daylight.
But it's turning, it's twisting
it's festering
festering inside me like the new, crude sores on my right hip.
We trade our minds via notebooks,
avoiding eye contact.....
cowardly, indeed.
Well, in response,
I would really love to be the person saying sorry instead of the one on the other end.
Because I've been there before
and I mean I LIVED there.
That's always been MY role. YOU were hurt, and I was sorry.
I've only begun to realized how fucking sorry I really should have been, back then.
But now the scripts been re-written.
Tables turned.
Now you know what it's like to be sorry.
And I know just how much "I'm sorry" doesn't help at all.
And it's a very right, necessary lesson for me. It fits
and I'm learning. Yes, I'm learning what it's like to hurt.
What a fucking sick, distorted relationship(s).
Oh well, what can you do.
No, really.... What can you do?
Just make a smile come back and shine, just like it used to be,
and I whisper,
How can you do this to me?
Monday, November 23, 2009
"Sorry"
doesn't help,
it didn't even the first time
And I'm glad you feel sorry, I am
But no matter how many times you utter the word, I'm still down
down down down
yeah, i'm sorry too
we're always sorry
it didn't even the first time
And I'm glad you feel sorry, I am
But no matter how many times you utter the word, I'm still down
down down down
yeah, i'm sorry too
we're always sorry
Sunday, November 22, 2009
that's inspired!
Good for you! I'm really proud.
I wish that reading your self analysis didn't automatically lead to mine
I've never truly truly hated myself before. So this is interesting
I've always been some kind of right, but now i'm every kind of
wrong, wrong, wrong,
and it's disgusting! revolting! abhorrant....
oh, the words to articulate the self-loathe
these are the times i laugh at how little everyone seems to know me!
Of course, this is my fault.....
Okay..... is that the first step?
Dont ask. Of course it is.
To be exactly what I am, at all times?
Yes! You shoulve done that long ago.
Okay.... But how. Help. Tell me how.
You know how. YOU KNEW HOW
That was different. That was home
This is your new home.
This will never be home.
Not if you don't let it be. But no matter what, you're stuck here.
I know...... I know that, but
It's not as complicated as you make it out to be.
I'm always myself. If there's two different versions of myself, what do you want me to do?
I want you to choose one. Focus on one.
I'm not sure I know where to start.
....
Hello?
I wish that reading your self analysis didn't automatically lead to mine
I've never truly truly hated myself before. So this is interesting
I've always been some kind of right, but now i'm every kind of
wrong, wrong, wrong,
and it's disgusting! revolting! abhorrant....
oh, the words to articulate the self-loathe
these are the times i laugh at how little everyone seems to know me!
Of course, this is my fault.....
Okay..... is that the first step?
Dont ask. Of course it is.
To be exactly what I am, at all times?
Yes! You shoulve done that long ago.
Okay.... But how. Help. Tell me how.
You know how. YOU KNEW HOW
That was different. That was home
This is your new home.
This will never be home.
Not if you don't let it be. But no matter what, you're stuck here.
I know...... I know that, but
It's not as complicated as you make it out to be.
I'm always myself. If there's two different versions of myself, what do you want me to do?
I want you to choose one. Focus on one.
I'm not sure I know where to start.
....
Hello?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
If that's about me:
You're right. And I'm sorry i'm this piece of shit person these days who is so heavily concentrated on myself and how awful i am that I can't take a minute to be a friend.
I didn't used to be this way.
I'm sorry I can't make myself be enough,
because I know I can and i know I should
and I HATE myself for NOT BEING ENOUGH
I hate myself for not getting myself up off the floor and moving.
You will never be as mad at me as I am. I fucking promise you that.
I didn't used to be this way.
I'm sorry I can't make myself be enough,
because I know I can and i know I should
and I HATE myself for NOT BEING ENOUGH
I hate myself for not getting myself up off the floor and moving.
You will never be as mad at me as I am. I fucking promise you that.
Friday, November 20, 2009
I had a thought
No no this one is actually kind of good, don't worry
It's good! It's good because it's clear. And I figured something out.
You can't understand how much it means to me that I figured this out..... It's a huge step in the right direction
I AM
I am split. I am split between two very clear, very defined things.
I AM
Happy. I am fun, i'm funny, i'm fun-loving. I kid. I joke. I mess. I run around, I laugh, I lie. What? Oh nothing. Forget that last one please..... I am a mask. I am a show and I like an audience. Oh yeah, high schools great! I'm in student council so that's cool.
BECAUSE
of my need for sanity. For my need for normalcy. For some inkling of distraction during the day. For Kim. For my peers and every single face that surrounds me that I need to pretend for. What's my line? What's the next scene? What am I expected to say? What should I say?
I am fake, false, and a liar. I smile. But everyone needs to be something during the daytime.
I AM
A mess. I am calculating, I am serious, I am stoic. I am insane. I am quiet. So quiet. I am introverted. I am shy. I am too too too emotional. I am this blog, every page of every journal, every damn lyric of his songs. I am brutally honest, and I don't give a damn about how anyone sees me. I have my friends and that's all I need. I am depressive, I am lonely, and I live in the past. I only come out at night. I scream, I cry, and I am sad, I am alone, but mostly, I'm angry. At my best, I live life gratefully and truly with zero regrets. I value those I love, and I know what I want and what I plan to do to get it. I am real. Living breathing, unforgiving and real. And when I look in the mirror, I recognize who looks back.
However, I'm not at my best. I'm at my core, absolute worst. I am living in an enviroment that allows the existance of the first half, the daytime. I am split.
Now, I have to choose a side. Because I can't have a foot in each corner.
It's good! It's good because it's clear. And I figured something out.
You can't understand how much it means to me that I figured this out..... It's a huge step in the right direction
I AM
I am split. I am split between two very clear, very defined things.
I AM
Happy. I am fun, i'm funny, i'm fun-loving. I kid. I joke. I mess. I run around, I laugh, I lie. What? Oh nothing. Forget that last one please..... I am a mask. I am a show and I like an audience. Oh yeah, high schools great! I'm in student council so that's cool.
BECAUSE
of my need for sanity. For my need for normalcy. For some inkling of distraction during the day. For Kim. For my peers and every single face that surrounds me that I need to pretend for. What's my line? What's the next scene? What am I expected to say? What should I say?
I am fake, false, and a liar. I smile. But everyone needs to be something during the daytime.
I AM
A mess. I am calculating, I am serious, I am stoic. I am insane. I am quiet. So quiet. I am introverted. I am shy. I am too too too emotional. I am this blog, every page of every journal, every damn lyric of his songs. I am brutally honest, and I don't give a damn about how anyone sees me. I have my friends and that's all I need. I am depressive, I am lonely, and I live in the past. I only come out at night. I scream, I cry, and I am sad, I am alone, but mostly, I'm angry. At my best, I live life gratefully and truly with zero regrets. I value those I love, and I know what I want and what I plan to do to get it. I am real. Living breathing, unforgiving and real. And when I look in the mirror, I recognize who looks back.
However, I'm not at my best. I'm at my core, absolute worst. I am living in an enviroment that allows the existance of the first half, the daytime. I am split.
Now, I have to choose a side. Because I can't have a foot in each corner.
IF YOU
dont want to be with us,
don't pretend like you do
walk run jump fall
repeat
walk run jump fall
repeat
and i still havent fixed anything!
and you still haven't fixed anything!
and your prior engagement is supposed to have ENDED but
it will Never, fucking, end, will it?
and this sick pattern between us
will never, fucking, END
will it?
You're fully developed now. New clothes, New friends, shiny polished New You now
The transformations done! Ding! All fisnished, all complete,
And i've almost completely rubbed myself down
sandpapered my skin off, scrubbed off my face,
i've almost completely ground myself into the earth,
almost completely slipped away
You're not what I knew at all,
and I find barely any familiarity in you.
SO no, no, no
I don't miss you.
I don't miss you now
I miss the memory of you,
and the memory of us.
All I miss is the memories.
I miss what you used to be
don't pretend like you do
walk run jump fall
repeat
walk run jump fall
repeat
and i still havent fixed anything!
and you still haven't fixed anything!
and your prior engagement is supposed to have ENDED but
it will Never, fucking, end, will it?
and this sick pattern between us
will never, fucking, END
will it?
You're fully developed now. New clothes, New friends, shiny polished New You now
The transformations done! Ding! All fisnished, all complete,
And i've almost completely rubbed myself down
sandpapered my skin off, scrubbed off my face,
i've almost completely ground myself into the earth,
almost completely slipped away
You're not what I knew at all,
and I find barely any familiarity in you.
SO no, no, no
I don't miss you.
I don't miss you now
I miss the memory of you,
and the memory of us.
All I miss is the memories.
I miss what you used to be
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Everything looks
perfect when you live in a perfect world!
The future looks beautiful when you have a perfect present
When you don't acknowledge the possibility of change,
the very very fragile state of the balance of your life as you know it,
everything might as well be concrete
But something changes. and then something else changes, and changes
and he changes and she changes and then,
you change too,
then all bets are off
and the next thing you know is the person in the mirror isn't you,
and nothing is right and the WEIGHT OF THE WORLD GOES WRONG
you fall
you DROP
and STAND BY for the BREAKDOWNS
your UGLY SIDE is on every side;
you hit bottom and with a bleeding lip and broken pride,
your soul leaves your shell,
and you go and live in the old days while your body takes the beatings of the here and now
and everything looks ---- when you live in a ______ world
The future looks beautiful when you have a perfect present
When you don't acknowledge the possibility of change,
the very very fragile state of the balance of your life as you know it,
everything might as well be concrete
But something changes. and then something else changes, and changes
and he changes and she changes and then,
you change too,
then all bets are off
and the next thing you know is the person in the mirror isn't you,
and nothing is right and the WEIGHT OF THE WORLD GOES WRONG
you fall
you DROP
and STAND BY for the BREAKDOWNS
your UGLY SIDE is on every side;
you hit bottom and with a bleeding lip and broken pride,
your soul leaves your shell,
and you go and live in the old days while your body takes the beatings of the here and now
and everything looks ---- when you live in a ______ world
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I understand
Holden Caulfield more and more everyday.
I think that would be a good thing to do for a living. Catching children before they jump,
before they aren't children anymore. I think I understand that isolation and the cynicism for humans as a whole....
I need to re-read that book
I think that would be a good thing to do for a living. Catching children before they jump,
before they aren't children anymore. I think I understand that isolation and the cynicism for humans as a whole....
I need to re-read that book
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Today
was a good day!
a good day...........
a rarity but i'm not focusing on that and that is what makes it a good day
hey, if you're brain isnt bothering you, don't bother it.
Unfortunetly this means I've got nothing to write about for the moment if i'm ignoring myself
so i'll probably go write and finish my drawing and then go to sleep
friday tomorrow, woooo cool stuff
dont close your eyes, dont close your eyes,
this is your life
are you who you want to be?
a good day...........
a rarity but i'm not focusing on that and that is what makes it a good day
hey, if you're brain isnt bothering you, don't bother it.
Unfortunetly this means I've got nothing to write about for the moment if i'm ignoring myself
so i'll probably go write and finish my drawing and then go to sleep
friday tomorrow, woooo cool stuff
dont close your eyes, dont close your eyes,
this is your life
are you who you want to be?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
You are
too important. Your eyes your face, your smile. You are goodness, you are honesty, you are the perfection of my memories. The clarity and details, the murky blurs of forgetfulness.
You and I go together like any perfect pair. Like April flowers, May showers. Associated automatically, flittering mental pictures of full smiles and old old old inside jokes.
The beauty of history. A strong invisible bond that doesn't break even when you think it's breaking. You see the illusion of rust and deterioration yet you couldn't walk away even if you tried. Even if you really, honestly wanted to. You give a person all that's inside you and they have it forever. No taking it back, no changing it. They hold you in their hand to break, twist and turn. So malleable you are now. And even when you wish it different, underneath that you wouldn't have it any other way.
When you peel away every stubborn layer, every false pretense, there it is. Patient, enduring, permanent. Not flimsy, or flighty, but much beyond average human tolerance. If you spend so much time building something, in turn, it will take exactly that much to tear down. To fall apart. So logically if you put all of yourself into the construction, you will need all your power -- maybe more -- to even begin to terminate it. Yes, there it lies. The invisible, immortal bond between two people that's elusive, yet painfully obvious. Watch closely, you'll see it locked between their eyes. A fleeting glance, or a loaded stare. You can always see it. It's always there.
In conclusion, that's all I'm getting at. YOU. You are the earth under my feet. My worry, my joy, my every trivial thought. The raw pain under the choking sobs, the warmth that bathes my heart in happiness. The past, present, and hopefully the future. Perhaps, inevitably, the future.
In conclusion, that's the indescribable power I'm getting at. I love you. I always have, I always will. And for every minute of every day, for every piece of myself I've invested in you, every little crooked step I take, that will always be fact. I love you, and for all this -- for everything -- I won't ever, ever let you go.
You and I go together like any perfect pair. Like April flowers, May showers. Associated automatically, flittering mental pictures of full smiles and old old old inside jokes.
The beauty of history. A strong invisible bond that doesn't break even when you think it's breaking. You see the illusion of rust and deterioration yet you couldn't walk away even if you tried. Even if you really, honestly wanted to. You give a person all that's inside you and they have it forever. No taking it back, no changing it. They hold you in their hand to break, twist and turn. So malleable you are now. And even when you wish it different, underneath that you wouldn't have it any other way.
When you peel away every stubborn layer, every false pretense, there it is. Patient, enduring, permanent. Not flimsy, or flighty, but much beyond average human tolerance. If you spend so much time building something, in turn, it will take exactly that much to tear down. To fall apart. So logically if you put all of yourself into the construction, you will need all your power -- maybe more -- to even begin to terminate it. Yes, there it lies. The invisible, immortal bond between two people that's elusive, yet painfully obvious. Watch closely, you'll see it locked between their eyes. A fleeting glance, or a loaded stare. You can always see it. It's always there.
In conclusion, that's all I'm getting at. YOU. You are the earth under my feet. My worry, my joy, my every trivial thought. The raw pain under the choking sobs, the warmth that bathes my heart in happiness. The past, present, and hopefully the future. Perhaps, inevitably, the future.
In conclusion, that's the indescribable power I'm getting at. I love you. I always have, I always will. And for every minute of every day, for every piece of myself I've invested in you, every little crooked step I take, that will always be fact. I love you, and for all this -- for everything -- I won't ever, ever let you go.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I
take full responsibility
change is needed
i'll try and let it in
Oh Hello again um scratch that ^ ^ ^
correction:
change is inevitable. it's swallowing me whole
change is needed
i'll try and let it in
Oh Hello again um scratch that ^ ^ ^
correction:
change is inevitable. it's swallowing me whole
Friday, October 30, 2009
Excuse me,
that wasn't fair to say.
Honestly I have no idea really,
and I think that's what bothers me most? The fact that I can't get a grip? That I don't even know what's happening to me? The fact that I say things and then I realize they're far from the truth, the fact that I feel like I'm locked out of my own brain?
Nobody knew me better than myself, and now nobody knows me at all!
How pathetic
You're gone He's busy You're stupid She's having a blast and I'm not making sense
If anyone is reading this, I want you to disregaurd the cowardly, cryptic bullshit I put in the blog, empty your mind of it. Done? Okay, replace it with this:
I am scared, I am lonely, and I am dumbfounded.
I am angry, stubborn, and hurt.
And I am admitting right now that no one else to blame,
so no one should see this but me.
Oh oh but I how I want you to see it.
Honestly I have no idea really,
and I think that's what bothers me most? The fact that I can't get a grip? That I don't even know what's happening to me? The fact that I say things and then I realize they're far from the truth, the fact that I feel like I'm locked out of my own brain?
Nobody knew me better than myself, and now nobody knows me at all!
How pathetic
You're gone He's busy You're stupid She's having a blast and I'm not making sense
If anyone is reading this, I want you to disregaurd the cowardly, cryptic bullshit I put in the blog, empty your mind of it. Done? Okay, replace it with this:
I am scared, I am lonely, and I am dumbfounded.
I am angry, stubborn, and hurt.
And I am admitting right now that no one else to blame,
so no one should see this but me.
Oh oh but I how I want you to see it.
I don't care
what the fuck anyone has to say about it,
not even myself.
I miss aprende
we we're all fucking better people then
and we're all fucking awful now
not even myself.
I miss aprende
we we're all fucking better people then
and we're all fucking awful now
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I am not angry at you
But I am unequivocally angry at myself.
I'm living in such a state of impossibility and listlessness, and it's sickening.
I am not one to sit and wait for things to click, or the type to give up trying.
So what is happening now? What type am I becoming?
How hard is it really to watch your own destruction,
wait for it to finish,
completely,
and wait until you can build a new you?
How hard will that be?
I'm living in such a state of impossibility and listlessness, and it's sickening.
I am not one to sit and wait for things to click, or the type to give up trying.
So what is happening now? What type am I becoming?
How hard is it really to watch your own destruction,
wait for it to finish,
completely,
and wait until you can build a new you?
How hard will that be?
Friday, October 23, 2009
"To the friends---
who even call,
that I don't call back:
I hold you deep inside my heart upon a hill.
It seems to hide sometimes, and run away, and wonder....
I'm really sick of saying sorry,
but I will."
I'm sorry to me, I'm sorry to you, I'm sorry to us, and our ghosts.
I'm sorry for everything and anything, but mostly nothing.
Because apologies aren't my strong point and all my points are weak anyway.
I'd rather stay home quite frankly, without shame,
I'd rather stay home than to try.
that I don't call back:
I hold you deep inside my heart upon a hill.
It seems to hide sometimes, and run away, and wonder....
I'm really sick of saying sorry,
but I will."
I'm sorry to me, I'm sorry to you, I'm sorry to us, and our ghosts.
I'm sorry for everything and anything, but mostly nothing.
Because apologies aren't my strong point and all my points are weak anyway.
I'd rather stay home quite frankly, without shame,
I'd rather stay home than to try.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Yours
I'll be your father, I'll be your mother, I'll be your lover,
I'll be yours.
I'll be the water bathing you clean,
Liquid Blue
I'll be yours.
I'll be the water bathing you clean,
Liquid Blue
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
YOU
What am I doing?
You take the first step
because I am so disgusted by the thought of once again, reaching out to you, trying to map it all out in my head, and you know what
you go first. You prove it.
I cant even make sense of it anymore. If you care enough, let me know, and then we can figure something else. But I can't help feeling like we're fighting fate, trying to mess with the inevitable. You already think this "distance" is normal; just a bump in the road. I beg to differ. I'm not saying it isn't expected..... just not something to be chalked up as average. It's, by my definition, a big deal. But you have all these new friends who care about you so much, and all your weekly parties, and all that other shit. So it probably doesn't feel that different to you.
All I know is that I had a table of friends and now I don't. That I had a very best friend - one I could trust with absolutely anything, told all my thoughts and feelings to, knew all my secrets, and now I don't. All I have is my memories of the past, memories I thought you cherished too. Turned out I was wrong. I have a hatred of now, hatred of this life, and hatred of myself. Confusion, dissapointment, and a sense of being immeasurably lost. All I can think to do is to stop and dissect myself to figure out what's really going on. Then I can continue.
And you know what? I don't give a shit what you think about it. How much you think you understand, how bad you think you have it, and what you think about what I'm doing now. I don't have to explain myself to you, simply because you haven't been here with me through it all. You've been off on your own little planet, and the gap between us is so much more vast than you seem to think. Quite frankly, I don't know where to start, or how to fix any of it. But for now all I can do is let go. And I mean everything--- the memories, the growth, the maturity, the strength, everything I thought I was. I'm going to rub myself raw and stop trying, because there's no one to try for anymore, nothing to try at. Nothing, No one, Not at all.
You take the first step
because I am so disgusted by the thought of once again, reaching out to you, trying to map it all out in my head, and you know what
you go first. You prove it.
I cant even make sense of it anymore. If you care enough, let me know, and then we can figure something else. But I can't help feeling like we're fighting fate, trying to mess with the inevitable. You already think this "distance" is normal; just a bump in the road. I beg to differ. I'm not saying it isn't expected..... just not something to be chalked up as average. It's, by my definition, a big deal. But you have all these new friends who care about you so much, and all your weekly parties, and all that other shit. So it probably doesn't feel that different to you.
All I know is that I had a table of friends and now I don't. That I had a very best friend - one I could trust with absolutely anything, told all my thoughts and feelings to, knew all my secrets, and now I don't. All I have is my memories of the past, memories I thought you cherished too. Turned out I was wrong. I have a hatred of now, hatred of this life, and hatred of myself. Confusion, dissapointment, and a sense of being immeasurably lost. All I can think to do is to stop and dissect myself to figure out what's really going on. Then I can continue.
And you know what? I don't give a shit what you think about it. How much you think you understand, how bad you think you have it, and what you think about what I'm doing now. I don't have to explain myself to you, simply because you haven't been here with me through it all. You've been off on your own little planet, and the gap between us is so much more vast than you seem to think. Quite frankly, I don't know where to start, or how to fix any of it. But for now all I can do is let go. And I mean everything--- the memories, the growth, the maturity, the strength, everything I thought I was. I'm going to rub myself raw and stop trying, because there's no one to try for anymore, nothing to try at. Nothing, No one, Not at all.
shut the,
fuck up.
its not all about you sometimes.
I ramble on in a blog post about how I feel and the first thing you jump to is YOUR LIFE
YOUR PROBLEMS
YOU YOU YOU
I didn't even ask about you.
How about, you listen to me?
we've had plenty of chances to talk.
its not all about you sometimes.
I ramble on in a blog post about how I feel and the first thing you jump to is YOUR LIFE
YOUR PROBLEMS
YOU YOU YOU
I didn't even ask about you.
How about, you listen to me?
we've had plenty of chances to talk.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Fuck You
I I I I I will brush off all the dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt and I I I I I will pretend it doesn't hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it
it
it
it
it
doesnt
hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it
it
it
it
it
doesnt
hurt
Maybe,
we're done here. Because our worlds don't even touch. And You see things through rose colored glasses. And now that I know what's really going on inside your little brain, I can see that you, honestly, just like to whine.
If you gave two shits about my life you'd know all about it. But you don't, and maybe you don't anymore. Maybe we can't stop a thing like this, maybe it was on the horizen the whole time. And maybe, I can be okay with that. Because i've lost all faith in people. Whoever I trusted and confided in before, (which was mainly you) I don't anymore. Because a) no one wants to hear it. (you should think about that, too.) and b) I don't want to tell it only for it to fall on deaf ears. Because whatever needs to be done I'll do by myself, All, by, myself. I won't lie - I do need you. But you do not need me, and so now whether its healthy or not, I'm going to let you go.
I know I have a lot to learn. But I already know that the best way to build up is to break down. And oh, I am going to. I am going to fall so hard and so far that I won't be able to recognize anything anymore. And then, I'll start from scratch. Because it's obvious everything -- all aprende was for us -- doesn't apply anymore. Who gives a damn, right? It's easy to turn and forget. New game, new rules. So you play your game and I'll play mine, and we won't have to pretend like it's "we", anymore. No. From now on,
It's just me.
So bye, have fun, figure it all out and you'll be fine. But i'm done faking too. We're done.
If you gave two shits about my life you'd know all about it. But you don't, and maybe you don't anymore. Maybe we can't stop a thing like this, maybe it was on the horizen the whole time. And maybe, I can be okay with that. Because i've lost all faith in people. Whoever I trusted and confided in before, (which was mainly you) I don't anymore. Because a) no one wants to hear it. (you should think about that, too.) and b) I don't want to tell it only for it to fall on deaf ears. Because whatever needs to be done I'll do by myself, All, by, myself. I won't lie - I do need you. But you do not need me, and so now whether its healthy or not, I'm going to let you go.
I know I have a lot to learn. But I already know that the best way to build up is to break down. And oh, I am going to. I am going to fall so hard and so far that I won't be able to recognize anything anymore. And then, I'll start from scratch. Because it's obvious everything -- all aprende was for us -- doesn't apply anymore. Who gives a damn, right? It's easy to turn and forget. New game, new rules. So you play your game and I'll play mine, and we won't have to pretend like it's "we", anymore. No. From now on,
It's just me.
So bye, have fun, figure it all out and you'll be fine. But i'm done faking too. We're done.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I like to think
that if I am shockingly honest and true in all my actions and words, the people I am lookng for will find me.
I like to think that somewhere in that damned building there are people who can teach me something. I really like to think someone something like me is there. And maybe if this deep core Mackenzie is brought to the surface and exposed, everything will be right.
But what does that mean, exactly?
My first layer is ridiculously quiet and stony and shy. My second layer is just so funny, isn't she? So funny. My third layer? its for the family. My fourth? That's for jeff. My core, though?
Saskia. Saskia knows the practically insane radical serious standing on the edge of the inside Mackenzie. But how many times will I map myself out before I make sense? It's illogical and cannot be mapped, that's the problem. Nobody's brain can be logistically plotted. We can only see the tip of the iceberg....
I'm rambling now, sorry.
I I I I I will shake off all the dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt and I I I I will pretend it didn't hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt....
goodnight &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&7
I like to think that somewhere in that damned building there are people who can teach me something. I really like to think someone something like me is there. And maybe if this deep core Mackenzie is brought to the surface and exposed, everything will be right.
But what does that mean, exactly?
My first layer is ridiculously quiet and stony and shy. My second layer is just so funny, isn't she? So funny. My third layer? its for the family. My fourth? That's for jeff. My core, though?
Saskia. Saskia knows the practically insane radical serious standing on the edge of the inside Mackenzie. But how many times will I map myself out before I make sense? It's illogical and cannot be mapped, that's the problem. Nobody's brain can be logistically plotted. We can only see the tip of the iceberg....
I'm rambling now, sorry.
I I I I I will shake off all the dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt and I I I I will pretend it didn't hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt....
goodnight &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&7
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I
didn't turn my life around. Not yet.
I feel like doing something way drastic. That isn't new, but it's this nagging desire.... Like I want to just implode and come out of it something new. Right now all I am is damaged goods.... A little girl in a place she doesn't want to be in. My brain is miles away from my body, only present in a physical sense. I'm on autopilot. And I have absolutely nothing substantial to say.
All I have is the memories and the pessimism for the future. It's bizarre to live so close to something, and be so far away from it. Aprende is sitting outside my door but it's an entire different world. If only I could fix it all and make it right again, I could walk right up the path and sit at the plasstic lunch table like nothing ever happened. It feels like I should be doing that any day now. That's how temporary my current like seems to me. Like I'm just on a horrible trip and homes just a plane ride away.
And before you tell me yourself, let me say it for you. I know. I know that change happens and whether we want to or not we have to accept it. And if not accept it, go insane. I know that this is good and big and better and I'm going to learn so much and meet so many people, yeah yeah yeah. I know that this is a new chapter, A "Journey," and I know that "Everything Will Be Fine."
And I know No One Said It Would Be Easy. I know that Life Is A Jump Rope.
But what if I'm done being mature? What if I'm done doing the right thing, being the right person? All you have to do is cut the strings and I swear I'll sink. I'll just let go, because now there's no one I would dissapoint more than myself. So try me, and i'll lose it. I want to be done caring. I don't want to stick around and wait for the good to come along. I know it's naive to say that last year was as good as it will get. But it's really easy to just say that I don't care. And maybe I could be the type of person who does things the easy way.
So, yeah, I will be a child about this. And for now, that's okay.
Goodnight and goodbye. Welcome to Freshman Mackenzie: Part 1.
I feel like doing something way drastic. That isn't new, but it's this nagging desire.... Like I want to just implode and come out of it something new. Right now all I am is damaged goods.... A little girl in a place she doesn't want to be in. My brain is miles away from my body, only present in a physical sense. I'm on autopilot. And I have absolutely nothing substantial to say.
All I have is the memories and the pessimism for the future. It's bizarre to live so close to something, and be so far away from it. Aprende is sitting outside my door but it's an entire different world. If only I could fix it all and make it right again, I could walk right up the path and sit at the plasstic lunch table like nothing ever happened. It feels like I should be doing that any day now. That's how temporary my current like seems to me. Like I'm just on a horrible trip and homes just a plane ride away.
And before you tell me yourself, let me say it for you. I know. I know that change happens and whether we want to or not we have to accept it. And if not accept it, go insane. I know that this is good and big and better and I'm going to learn so much and meet so many people, yeah yeah yeah. I know that this is a new chapter, A "Journey," and I know that "Everything Will Be Fine."
And I know No One Said It Would Be Easy. I know that Life Is A Jump Rope.
But what if I'm done being mature? What if I'm done doing the right thing, being the right person? All you have to do is cut the strings and I swear I'll sink. I'll just let go, because now there's no one I would dissapoint more than myself. So try me, and i'll lose it. I want to be done caring. I don't want to stick around and wait for the good to come along. I know it's naive to say that last year was as good as it will get. But it's really easy to just say that I don't care. And maybe I could be the type of person who does things the easy way.
So, yeah, I will be a child about this. And for now, that's okay.
Goodnight and goodbye. Welcome to Freshman Mackenzie: Part 1.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
When people say,
they hate highschool, they aren't kidding
So i'm turning my life around. Starting tomorrow. Let's see how it goes.
So i'm turning my life around. Starting tomorrow. Let's see how it goes.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Am I
strong enough to stop caring
or would it be better to say, start caring?
am i strong enough to give myself breathing room, or am i going to force myself into a puzzle that doesn't match my piece?
what does match me? where should i go. is it under the bleachers or on top? in the corner or in the mix? there at all, or not at all? who am i looking for and what will i find, and when will i stop being nice and start being real
take the next few steps carefully because we are at a precipice.
lets just talk
or would it be better to say, start caring?
am i strong enough to give myself breathing room, or am i going to force myself into a puzzle that doesn't match my piece?
what does match me? where should i go. is it under the bleachers or on top? in the corner or in the mix? there at all, or not at all? who am i looking for and what will i find, and when will i stop being nice and start being real
take the next few steps carefully because we are at a precipice.
lets just talk
Monday, August 17, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
I only want you to see
my favorite part of me. And not my ugly side.
Hey hey hey saskia is at camp all week and then she gets back saturday for BLuueee october concert. Can't beleive I'm actually going! It's gonna be incredible
Only a week from today I start school..... so there's that
I'm just really really bored now
this week i've been getting to know Justin a little better
he's greeat you know
I miss pod B
and mattthhh with jensen. And kims notes
History For Sale is incredible, sadder than I thought. Very different from Foiled
theyre all extremely different from Approaching Normal
ANyway that's pretty much all I have to say
mamamamamama
Hey hey hey saskia is at camp all week and then she gets back saturday for BLuueee october concert. Can't beleive I'm actually going! It's gonna be incredible
Only a week from today I start school..... so there's that
I'm just really really bored now
this week i've been getting to know Justin a little better
he's greeat you know
I miss pod B
and mattthhh with jensen. And kims notes
History For Sale is incredible, sadder than I thought. Very different from Foiled
theyre all extremely different from Approaching Normal
ANyway that's pretty much all I have to say
mamamamamama
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I
watched zoolander today, loved it naturally. Everything is funnier at Jeff's house, though.
lately, i've been listening to so much Bright Eyes. At night, mainly
Songs I never bothered with that I got from Saskia's limewire, I finally paid attention to....
I only have two weeks to read Bless Me Ultima.
I'm beginning to feel more and more nervous and less excited for this high school thing. I don't know, it's that thing that inhibites me. When I meet new people and go new places I hold myself back until the novelty fades. I'd love to just jump in. Feel all fearless and be bold despite the doubts. It's stupid, really. Very much so
Whatever. I'm tired and bored. My default setting. My hair needs washed.... tomorrow's wednesday and I don't plan to do anything. Which is no better or worse than doing something. I'm totally lethargic now, I just don't care if I sit around, it's inescapable. I wish I could just take some sedatives and be out for a few days. But I still need to read those books.
BLAHHHH okay. bye
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
So I
was just looking at bro's facebook............. (he left it open)
it was pretty un shocking, usually i expect some big hairy secret like I USE POT or IM A SEX GOD or IM GAY
nothing unusual which is good. I'm such a bitch hahah searching through his dumb facebook
so intrusive
but I really know him..... and i mean HIM...... less than all his friends do. I'd like to know everything. what his LIFE is...... its the same vice-versa of course, except he just doesnt care.
maybe next year
it was pretty un shocking, usually i expect some big hairy secret like I USE POT or IM A SEX GOD or IM GAY
nothing unusual which is good. I'm such a bitch hahah searching through his dumb facebook
so intrusive
but I really know him..... and i mean HIM...... less than all his friends do. I'd like to know everything. what his LIFE is...... its the same vice-versa of course, except he just doesnt care.
maybe next year
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
ooh baby BAby
my new haircut? A+
So right now i'm completely in a good mood because of all this new phenominal music I'm picking up. I'm also grateful that i'm the kind of person who gets ridiculously excited about new music
But i'm still a little bored, and i'd love something to strike........ i want something to think about. something off the wall and remotely interesting
challenging
sounds a little pretentious but i'm in that kinda mood ya dig
also,
thats intellligence
yeah i'm definitely feeling the gears turning....... i might actually have a moment of enlightenment tonight. It's the tunes of course. Ahhh thats so great. i need to find something......
something to think about
i'm excited
#*(^^#$%%#@&(&(9886 YAY
LOVE
So right now i'm completely in a good mood because of all this new phenominal music I'm picking up. I'm also grateful that i'm the kind of person who gets ridiculously excited about new music
But i'm still a little bored, and i'd love something to strike........ i want something to think about. something off the wall and remotely interesting
challenging
sounds a little pretentious but i'm in that kinda mood ya dig
also,
thats intellligence
yeah i'm definitely feeling the gears turning....... i might actually have a moment of enlightenment tonight. It's the tunes of course. Ahhh thats so great. i need to find something......
something to think about
i'm excited
#*(^^#$%%#@&(&(9886 YAY
LOVE
Saturday, June 20, 2009
when you ask
if there's someone i hate i say no,
because if i find someone so disgusting and obnoxious, then i wouldnt waste my time hating them
i'd avoid them
i just want to be surrounded by people like me
not people like you
and thats probably the most childish aspect about me.
My brother can play Great Gig in the Sky by Pink Floyd by the way
bye
because if i find someone so disgusting and obnoxious, then i wouldnt waste my time hating them
i'd avoid them
i just want to be surrounded by people like me
not people like you
and thats probably the most childish aspect about me.
My brother can play Great Gig in the Sky by Pink Floyd by the way
bye
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Another thing,
"You should have the opportunity to be more than one person with different people - because you have that within you. It's not like you're faking it. If everyone knows you so well and can always get a hold of you, then you're stuck to this thing that people think you are. You should have the opportunity to reinvent yourself. Because you do. Naturally."
For inspiration.
Summer's such a void, i need the new like a drug
NEW PEOPLE BLANK SLATES
people i have no idea about except my pre-concieved notions and assumptions based on the way they dress and behave............an enviroment so sharp and so sleepy at the same time but so new it doesn't matter. All this is beside the point compared to the fact that
I NEED SOMEONE TO PROVE ME WRONG
I need someone to teach me and I need someone to put me in my place.
Someone to learn about
someone to make me question
someone who gets it
For inspiration.
Summer's such a void, i need the new like a drug
NEW PEOPLE BLANK SLATES
people i have no idea about except my pre-concieved notions and assumptions based on the way they dress and behave............an enviroment so sharp and so sleepy at the same time but so new it doesn't matter. All this is beside the point compared to the fact that
I NEED SOMEONE TO PROVE ME WRONG
I need someone to teach me and I need someone to put me in my place.
Someone to learn about
someone to make me question
someone who gets it
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Genius
Shining like a work of art
Hanging on a wall of stars
Are you what I think you are?
You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
Elevator to the moon
Whistling our favorite tune
Trying to get a closer view
You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
Maybe you will always be
Just a little out of reach
You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
You're my satellite
//////////<<<<<<<<<<
guster
Hanging on a wall of stars
Are you what I think you are?
You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
Elevator to the moon
Whistling our favorite tune
Trying to get a closer view
You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
Maybe you will always be
Just a little out of reach
You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
You're my satellite
//////////<<<<<<<<<<
guster
Monday, June 1, 2009
kill me
I'm at Jeff's house
it's the beginning of June....... i got out of school only ten days ago?
it feels like the past. distant. it feels like just memories, not just ten days ago.
Jeff IS THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO CAN BE THIS FUCKING ANNOYING WITH A GUITAR.
If it's not "the tide is high but im holding on" it's that girl from steph's soccer team who mutilated this boy's music taste for the rest of his life. singing about popsicles and red pants and rollar skates, any other irritating theme that's irrelevant to everything. He annoys me so thouroughly and intentionally I want to cry
and i almost did 8 minutes ago
he's singing the red pants song.......................this is all just the effort to get me to explode with rage at him, then i can break his 567973t5578893266498368 dollar guitar his parents bought him.............and then he can bitch at me about how he wasnt doing anything....................he so deserves it. this laptop has like 10 minutes of battery power.
bye!
it's the beginning of June....... i got out of school only ten days ago?
it feels like the past. distant. it feels like just memories, not just ten days ago.
Jeff IS THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO CAN BE THIS FUCKING ANNOYING WITH A GUITAR.
If it's not "the tide is high but im holding on" it's that girl from steph's soccer team who mutilated this boy's music taste for the rest of his life. singing about popsicles and red pants and rollar skates, any other irritating theme that's irrelevant to everything. He annoys me so thouroughly and intentionally I want to cry
and i almost did 8 minutes ago
he's singing the red pants song.......................this is all just the effort to get me to explode with rage at him, then i can break his 567973t5578893266498368 dollar guitar his parents bought him.............and then he can bitch at me about how he wasnt doing anything....................he so deserves it. this laptop has like 10 minutes of battery power.
bye!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
PAM is pregnant
just an update on the office
season six coming up here YEAH
well this week's been obnoxiously busy.. promotion BIG HUGE DEAL
it was so fun i wont even go into it
then today was lil jeffs birthday partay we did Fondue
which was new for me. the cheese made my stomach upset a little bit buttt it was good.
my nails are chipping. they held up until friday night... nice
probably the pool that ruined them? idonnO
anyWAY caps were on hahahah
So tomorrow I have to study for finals? Big huge socialstuds finale and i guess science.
then the ceremony tuesday. grawr Erin's speech GROSS
then kiwanys wednesday. FUN and then i have to buy a smoothie for the last day of school.
Apparently theyre plaaning all kinds of little activities like dodgeball tourney? annnd yearbook signing of course and then we can also purchase a two dollar smoothie
our choices are 'blimey limey' and 'orange passion' we're obviously
BROKE AS A JOKE
all our extra cash went to our dance friday.
which i'm cool with i guess
then oh hey SUMMER
so so so so fast
haaave to catch up bye
season six coming up here YEAH
well this week's been obnoxiously busy.. promotion BIG HUGE DEAL
it was so fun i wont even go into it
then today was lil jeffs birthday partay we did Fondue
which was new for me. the cheese made my stomach upset a little bit buttt it was good.
my nails are chipping. they held up until friday night... nice
probably the pool that ruined them? idonnO
anyWAY caps were on hahahah
So tomorrow I have to study for finals? Big huge socialstuds finale and i guess science.
then the ceremony tuesday. grawr Erin's speech GROSS
then kiwanys wednesday. FUN and then i have to buy a smoothie for the last day of school.
Apparently theyre plaaning all kinds of little activities like dodgeball tourney? annnd yearbook signing of course and then we can also purchase a two dollar smoothie
our choices are 'blimey limey' and 'orange passion' we're obviously
BROKE AS A JOKE
all our extra cash went to our dance friday.
which i'm cool with i guess
then oh hey SUMMER
so so so so fast
haaave to catch up bye
Thursday, May 14, 2009
So
I don't know, it's hard to stay commited to a blog
I used to be able to do it but now i'm not so sure
anyway last night i finally listened to more of my rilo kiley cd i recently purchased
found two favorites: With Arms Outstretched and A Better Son/Daughter
enlightening myself via indie bands<---- sounds gay
it sounded gayer before i changed 'tunes' to 'bands'
yeah so 4 more days until summer awesome blossom ALSO gay
why do i say things like that
i'm using a shocking lack of punctuation today
welll im thinking im gonna go. heading to ol jeffs soon for the new eps. of the office
YES
so i'll talk later
p.s. anyone ever heard of rate my poo dot com? such a kim website, she told me about it
well GO SEE STAR TREK
()()()()()()()()()(
I used to be able to do it but now i'm not so sure
anyway last night i finally listened to more of my rilo kiley cd i recently purchased
found two favorites: With Arms Outstretched and A Better Son/Daughter
enlightening myself via indie bands<---- sounds gay
it sounded gayer before i changed 'tunes' to 'bands'
yeah so 4 more days until summer awesome blossom ALSO gay
why do i say things like that
i'm using a shocking lack of punctuation today
welll im thinking im gonna go. heading to ol jeffs soon for the new eps. of the office
YES
so i'll talk later
p.s. anyone ever heard of rate my poo dot com? such a kim website, she told me about it
well GO SEE STAR TREK
()()()()()()()()()(
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Fluffy Brain
HEY so I just woke up a little while ago
and I'm at a total loss for words but todAy will be a busy day.
But to kick it off the right way I'll share a story:
So there's this kid and he's really very nice. But he's creeper stats so, for like 2 weeks a little while ago he'd follow me in the hallways and stare at me because he "liked" me but this is the real ridiculous part; I don't know him like at all. But this guy, he picks out random chicks to lust over and then when they always say no he moves on to another and he doesn't really learn that his game must be weak. He's defiently one of the guys you'd see on VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. So for a reason unknown to me he completely fixated on me, like more than usual. Maybe it was all my gay friends convincing him I might say yes. But I think it's his fault for expecting any random stranger to say yes when he asked them out or whatever he was planning. Now I sound like a bitch right now but truly I was quite polite and tolerant of having, basically, a stalker. He bought me earrings for my birthday... I wish I could like show you the vibe he puts off, then you'd get it... but the point is after all this bullshit he finally said he "got the hint" and stopped harrassing me.
Okay so around maybe 4, 5 weeks later it's last week. Thursday. And I was putting away my laptop in the classroom and I feel the Seth senses tingling (I assume it's pointless to avoid using his name now, everyone knows) and I try to flee. Well I'm in the process of scurrying away when he shouts my name and asks me to promotion. PROPS Seth because you so caught me off-guard. Kudos for that. And I find some illegitiment way to say no and feel horrible but, really where does he get the resolve? What
These are the moments I wish I could jump into someone's brain and figure out HOW they think
and I'm at a total loss for words but todAy will be a busy day.
But to kick it off the right way I'll share a story:
So there's this kid and he's really very nice. But he's creeper stats so, for like 2 weeks a little while ago he'd follow me in the hallways and stare at me because he "liked" me but this is the real ridiculous part; I don't know him like at all. But this guy, he picks out random chicks to lust over and then when they always say no he moves on to another and he doesn't really learn that his game must be weak. He's defiently one of the guys you'd see on VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. So for a reason unknown to me he completely fixated on me, like more than usual. Maybe it was all my gay friends convincing him I might say yes. But I think it's his fault for expecting any random stranger to say yes when he asked them out or whatever he was planning. Now I sound like a bitch right now but truly I was quite polite and tolerant of having, basically, a stalker. He bought me earrings for my birthday... I wish I could like show you the vibe he puts off, then you'd get it... but the point is after all this bullshit he finally said he "got the hint" and stopped harrassing me.
Okay so around maybe 4, 5 weeks later it's last week. Thursday. And I was putting away my laptop in the classroom and I feel the Seth senses tingling (I assume it's pointless to avoid using his name now, everyone knows) and I try to flee. Well I'm in the process of scurrying away when he shouts my name and asks me to promotion. PROPS Seth because you so caught me off-guard. Kudos for that. And I find some illegitiment way to say no and feel horrible but, really where does he get the resolve? What
These are the moments I wish I could jump into someone's brain and figure out HOW they think
Number 1
So today Saskia was typing away on blogger at Jeff's, and I decided later on I'd make this supreme blog that'd just top everyone's except maybe Sask's because hers is seriously developed but... I wanted to create one. So hey right now in my parents room and my Dad is on the bed 12 feet away in his boxers. Ready to crash, so I'll do more of this tomorrow maybe. I'll keep this updated. Probably.
till next time
till next time
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
