Maybe

Jack was right
you're not the rivers,
at least not anymore
You're the wide brilliant sun
Such a prominant force in my world
It stretches everywhere and you're everywhere
It heats the trees and reflects of the clouds
onto the solid earth and back again
Everywhere
And you're beautiful

But you're a star and you're a million miles away,
so close but impossibly far
The only difference is,
My world doesn't revolve around you
At least not anymore

Well,

it's a war and I might just be winning
we might just be winning

I'm going

to learn how
to move on,
let go,

breathe

stay seated
stay together
expect the expected
and forgive the past,
rewrite the future

free myself of it once and for all
because i can't live on a pinpoint
can't balance on pipe dreams
and need to accept it all again

it's wednesday

and i'm wondering if waiting will work out

Where

did we come from
and where did we end up
and what goal did we reach?

it feels suspiciously similar to me

my arms?
someone's arms
love you

You

will leave, and I will miss you

just
"Remember to remember me,
standing still in your past.
Floating fast, like a hummingbird..."

The river's running dry
My sun is out of sight

"She's

always rushing on to the next thing
run run run run run"

Always has her hand on the doorknob before i'm out my my seat
always around the corner and down the stairs
before i even leave the room
run run
run run
run

can't explain why

i stop sometimes
and just cant breathe

Today

was the light at the end of my tunnel
and for once,
i didn't take that simple illumination for granted

Untangle

we're forever

because the thought of losing you terrifies me
because i need to see your face
because it's always been this way
because you need me too
because i'll hang on to you in whatever form works
for as long as i possibly can

Knew that

it meant something when i saw them blend

you're perfect to me
and it's trite and cheap and easy to say so
but i'm at a loss of how to show you
so i'll just say it and smile and try to be better,
so you can be better and we can be better
and i'm sorry

The reeling

And all at once I feel this
Oh, how it clings to me
It reels and calls me towards it
Confounding destiny

November

was scary,
wasn't it?

A while ago

I found something

it was small but it was persistant
and I watched it strive for life in dying sunlight
through the winter frost it sprouted still
and i watched it from afar
but objects in the mirror are closer than they appear
and this little bud is obviously unclear
of how its grown over the course of the year



It lines my clear blue sky
just as evident and vital as rose red rivers weaving through my stable brown earth
it's beautiful, isn't it
And sometimes i take it for granted ---
the singing of the birds who's feathers float gently everywhere
but i know it's there. How could I not?
It's emerald and remarkable and without it,
where would I be?

where would the birds sing?
If I have anything to be grateful for this year
it's the persistant little bud that lit up my world in
brilliant, heavenly green

We can

pick back up

and when we're done
laughing sobbing running climbing singing thrashing punching screaming living
lay your head on my shoulder,
close your eyes,
and i'll see you in the morning

your dad is making breakfast, right?

And so

you're virtually the only thing that ever gets to me
The only thing that ever reaches me to prick and prod,
cut and tear inside to the point of damp eyelashes
and an elephant on my chest

And maybe, i'll always remember how it hurt
always view it in a certain way,
always cringe a little inside when i see you smiling
But somehow, I know I forgive you
In all senses of the word
Because I understand the situation
And I see the girl you don't recognize
Which is quite the feat, I might add
I see her and she winks and then I'm back in Here and Now
and You and Her are not so different
Not too different
And I like both of you the same, anyway

And I know that I'm deep inside your heart upon a hill
By an odd lamp post and a tabby cat
And you have to understand something ---
I have minutes where I can't breathe and it still burns
moments with doubts and worries and that still burns
But normally, my clear blue sky has no bloody red
Normally, it's the exact hue of your eyes
and clouds dot it like freckles dapple your lovely face,
And I'm fine and together and I love you
Love you despite the pain laced where you hold my heart
Because it's a two way street,
and because, well,
what else is there for me but to love you?

I've looked. Nothing.

"When can we get together again?
Nevermind, I've lost you.

How can I tell if I love you anymore?
Nevermind, I know I do."

Ego Tripping

I was waiting on a moment
But the moment never came
All the billion other moments
We're just slipping all away
I must have been tripping
Just ego tripping

I was wanting you to love me
But your love it never came
All the other love around me
Was just wasting all away
I must have been tripping
Just ego tripping

I was waiting on a moment
But the moment never came
But the moment never came

Oh it does

deserve your time
If anything does,
this does

It's a rock in my stomach and a million little pins in the back of my head
it pulls at my hair and stains my perfect sky blue with bloody blotches of liquid red
and if you are worth my time
if after fucking everything you are still worth my time, somehow,
this is worth your time

even if its
this
fucking
stupid

I just realized

I used to be constantly cold
it was something I could count on - the icy touch of my fingers on my neck, the stark chill in my toes. Shivering my way to first period, clutching my core, searching for the warmth inside

Maybe blame it one the season, but
That feeling has passed... Unnoticed, it took a ghostly silent step out the door and it was replaced by a rewarding perpetual warmth. Stemming from inside my, glowing all around me, keeping me stable, content, and safe.

Spring's here, I guess. Everywhere

How

can i express it without saying it
How can I reach you without touching you
shaking you
How can you be there when you're not there
How can I deal?

you're forest green

oh forest green
Up past cities made of steam
Open up your head we found a secret

Don't know

if I ever told you,
but you're beautiful with black keds and blue eyes
in april sunshine, mid-afternoon
sandy brown hair, light freckles, cream skin...
just wanted you to know
its another reason i smile when i see you

I want to be

in a really cold park
with a glass river and black trees
at 2 in the morning

I want to wear sunglasses as evening breaks,
hold your head in my lap at a symphony in a pretty dress,
and cut out red paper hearts to pin to your wall

I want month old skittles and bittersweet mountain dew,
a tabby cat and too much makeup
I want the only person who's ever really seen me cry,
to see me cry

Because these days I'm often alone
and I want to return to having something to rely on
like a strawberry blonde girl in 6th period
and the sense of a phantom hand forever locked in mine

And I want to be with you

What color is your soul?

Oh

look at those colors
blue punching purple and sewing violin notes into my saturated skin
whining and wallowing and whispering violin chords into my blue red black white skin
lovely

the past in pictures
im laughing
the present has no such representation
just a heartbeat and a steady tick tock
its okay
im laughing

feels

less like limbo
and more like solid ground

and hazy dreams of vivid green trees
and a soft summer breeze and effortless ease
no longer feel like their from a different world

now that all the ice has melted,
it might just be very real, indeed
and it feels like love, i'll show you why

I love YOU and your autumn eyes and your prose,
your gentle courage and unshielded heavy heart
your smirk i'd know anywhere and teal and grey
love that you're the opposite side of the coin that's right when i'm wrong,
and i swear to god, you're so very strong, love that sorry was somehow enough
and i cant help but think there might be something more to grey than you think

I love YOU and your dancer legs and your comforting gaze
love your eyes of springtime and blue skies you have to work for
love that you're at the top of my list, love that you're a bar to reach
love that you guide me to lighter, brighter, taller, better
love that sunshine inside you that surrounds you and you glowwith it
your green growth like tall forests of unrelenting life inside
green, it's the color of healing, you're the color of healing

I love YOU and your summer skin and your freckled nose
your tears and your teeth, bony fingers and knobby knees
love the see-saw we sit on, love the conflicts we sift through
love that despite everything i still need you
and you need me too
i love the love that spells "everlasting",
like the blending of red and blue that connects me to you

i love you and i love me and i love this life i landed in,
and i know it's as perfect as every life before it

I'm goodness

and goodness is me
it's something to strive for
taking "integrity", dropping it, holding on
smiling a second longer, thinking farther,
saying tiny nice things because i know it makes a difference
this is like my daily goal
it's springtime mackenzie with blue nails and fresh perspective
i feel like its a nice direction to take
it already tops my past mentalities
that all, somehow, we're hyper focused on me alone
what's surprising though, is that it isn't difficult
at all
and with every "would you like me to..." and every "cute shoes!",
i feel a little lighter
all the drops of sorrow leftover,
every self-pity, every battle scar fades like weak stain
and is replaced by new clean summer skin and honestly open eyes

i would compare it to my dream of gliding through the sky
and skimming the earths surface with closed eyes, bathed in warmth
going anywhere at all with my brand new wing span,
just because i could
because i can
because i am

That shimmering blue

on our nails gives me hope, you know
like our wing rings like our blue eyes
like my old shirts looking better on you
so different we are, so different
but with our opposite hands intwined its nice to feel similarity

everlasting friend
that means forever
i'm pretty sure

war
hate
sadness
"double maxi pad with wings"

done being defensive

just.... use your words

talk

talk

talk