Oh, and

LONGWAVE

I like to think

that if I am shockingly honest and true in all my actions and words, the people I am lookng for will find me.
I like to think that somewhere in that damned building there are people who can teach me something. I really like to think someone something like me is there. And maybe if this deep core Mackenzie is brought to the surface and exposed, everything will be right.
But what does that mean, exactly?
My first layer is ridiculously quiet and stony and shy. My second layer is just so funny, isn't she? So funny. My third layer? its for the family. My fourth? That's for jeff. My core, though?
Saskia. Saskia knows the practically insane radical serious standing on the edge of the inside Mackenzie. But how many times will I map myself out before I make sense? It's illogical and cannot be mapped, that's the problem. Nobody's brain can be logistically plotted. We can only see the tip of the iceberg....

I'm rambling now, sorry.

I I I I I will shake off all the dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt and I I I I will pretend it didn't hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt....
goodnight &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&7

Hello and

welcome to the end of your life as you know it

I

didn't turn my life around. Not yet.
I feel like doing something way drastic. That isn't new, but it's this nagging desire.... Like I want to just implode and come out of it something new. Right now all I am is damaged goods.... A little girl in a place she doesn't want to be in. My brain is miles away from my body, only present in a physical sense. I'm on autopilot. And I have absolutely nothing substantial to say.

All I have is the memories and the pessimism for the future. It's bizarre to live so close to something, and be so far away from it. Aprende is sitting outside my door but it's an entire different world. If only I could fix it all and make it right again, I could walk right up the path and sit at the plasstic lunch table like nothing ever happened. It feels like I should be doing that any day now. That's how temporary my current like seems to me. Like I'm just on a horrible trip and homes just a plane ride away.

And before you tell me yourself, let me say it for you. I know. I know that change happens and whether we want to or not we have to accept it. And if not accept it, go insane. I know that this is good and big and better and I'm going to learn so much and meet so many people, yeah yeah yeah. I know that this is a new chapter, A "Journey," and I know that "Everything Will Be Fine."

And I know No One Said It Would Be Easy. I know that Life Is A Jump Rope.

But what if I'm done being mature? What if I'm done doing the right thing, being the right person? All you have to do is cut the strings and I swear I'll sink. I'll just let go, because now there's no one I would dissapoint more than myself. So try me, and i'll lose it. I want to be done caring. I don't want to stick around and wait for the good to come along. I know it's naive to say that last year was as good as it will get. But it's really easy to just say that I don't care. And maybe I could be the type of person who does things the easy way.

So, yeah, I will be a child about this. And for now, that's okay.
Goodnight and goodbye. Welcome to Freshman Mackenzie: Part 1.

When people say,

they hate highschool, they aren't kidding

So i'm turning my life around. Starting tomorrow. Let's see how it goes.

Am I

strong enough to stop caring
or would it be better to say, start caring?
am i strong enough to give myself breathing room, or am i going to force myself into a puzzle that doesn't match my piece?
what does match me? where should i go. is it under the bleachers or on top? in the corner or in the mix? there at all, or not at all? who am i looking for and what will i find, and when will i stop being nice and start being real
take the next few steps carefully because we are at a precipice.

lets just talk