I can't

do another day

It's a strange kind of peace

knowing nobody could hate you more than you yourself
nobody could think of a better insult,
a better name to call you,
you've thought of them all.
Nobody can bring you down further, dissapoint you more,
nobody could be more angry at you than you yourself are
And I know that I should still try to be better, if not for myself than for others
but I can't make myself promise to do that.
But I like the fact that I won't let the hate escape the source
because nobody deserves it but me
simply because i can't hate others if, by default, they're already better than me.
By my judgement.

So next time you think of something really good,
tell me to my face.
Tell me why I haven't had a boyfriend in a year, by your perception
tell me I'm a "fat whore"
Tell me I'm a bitch,
an ungrateful, horrible person
but look into my eyes while you do it

I want you to.
and I will have absolutely nothing negative to respond with.
I will literally feel no animosity towards you.
None.

I've finally learned where to direct the hatred.
and it's comforting

I can't

push it away anymore!
it's happened, it's molded, it's permenate. It's real
i can't pretend it doesn't exist, and i can't put it away for the people around me
putting on a mask, so i can make them stay
no, they'll just get the beast now.
yeah it's honest, but i don't care
who wants to be honest about this?

not even in dance class, the ultimate distraction. not at any given time,
not at school like i used to
"ITS LIKE I'M DEAD" right? well
despite your carelessness in that comment, you hit me right where it hurts
right on the head. you got me, without even seeing that you did
so every other personality trait fades into the background while this takes the wheel
the stage
it feels like every other sentance should be IT
every other word should be the truth
but i dont want to say it, dont want to feel like a fool
I learned a long time ago that telling people the truth is selfish
dont unless they ask! and if you've told them once, dont tell them twice
its just.... uncomfortable
dont ask about a shrink. they cost a lot of money... i bet.....

i dont care about the repair anymore
not right now
i just want to shut off the lights and be done done done
with thinking with feeling with functioning
clean, over, done

hahahahahaha

shiny,
plastic
hard

YOU THINK

YOU'RE ALONE?

Its interesting,

how instead of being all honesty all the time,
we have two seperate relationships
to match my two seperate states of being.

we have the surface relationship,
the one the floats on easily, superficial and limited
haphazardly sewn together by "How are you" texts and daily visits,
No I can't stay today, I have geometry.......
No, I'm perfectly fine, I promise, Nothing's wrong.....
"Just forget it"
"Nevermind"

Then we have this other very cowardly, very fleeting relationship that is absolutely not surface
A ghost of our past, perhaps
The Ugly Sides peaking through, scribbling scrawling Hate and Love and Fear and Sorry into thousands of crisp white pages....
This sullen, undercurrent, dark connection that all but disappears in the daylight.
But it's turning, it's twisting
it's festering
festering inside me like the new, crude sores on my right hip.
We trade our minds via notebooks,
avoiding eye contact.....
cowardly, indeed.

Well, in response,
I would really love to be the person saying sorry instead of the one on the other end.
Because I've been there before
and I mean I LIVED there.
That's always been MY role. YOU were hurt, and I was sorry.
I've only begun to realized how fucking sorry I really should have been, back then.
But now the scripts been re-written.
Tables turned.
Now you know what it's like to be sorry.
And I know just how much "I'm sorry" doesn't help at all.
And it's a very right, necessary lesson for me. It fits
and I'm learning. Yes, I'm learning what it's like to hurt.

What a fucking sick, distorted relationship(s).
Oh well, what can you do.
No, really.... What can you do?

Just make a smile come back and shine, just like it used to be,
and I whisper,

How can you do this to me?

"Sorry"

doesn't help,
it didn't even the first time
And I'm glad you feel sorry, I am
But no matter how many times you utter the word, I'm still down
down down down

yeah, i'm sorry too
we're always sorry

that's inspired!

Good for you! I'm really proud.
I wish that reading your self analysis didn't automatically lead to mine
I've never truly truly hated myself before. So this is interesting
I've always been some kind of right, but now i'm every kind of
wrong, wrong, wrong,
and it's disgusting! revolting! abhorrant....
oh, the words to articulate the self-loathe
these are the times i laugh at how little everyone seems to know me!
Of course, this is my fault.....

Okay..... is that the first step?
Dont ask. Of course it is.
To be exactly what I am, at all times?
Yes! You shoulve done that long ago.
Okay.... But how. Help. Tell me how.
You know how. YOU KNEW HOW
That was different. That was home
This is your new home.
This will never be home.
Not if you don't let it be. But no matter what, you're stuck here.
I know...... I know that, but
It's not as complicated as you make it out to be.
I'm always myself. If there's two different versions of myself, what do you want me to do?
I want you to choose one. Focus on one.
I'm not sure I know where to start.
....
Hello?

If that's about me:

You're right. And I'm sorry i'm this piece of shit person these days who is so heavily concentrated on myself and how awful i am that I can't take a minute to be a friend.
I didn't used to be this way.
I'm sorry I can't make myself be enough,
because I know I can and i know I should
and I HATE myself for NOT BEING ENOUGH
I hate myself for not getting myself up off the floor and moving.

You will never be as mad at me as I am. I fucking promise you that.

I had a thought

No no this one is actually kind of good, don't worry
It's good! It's good because it's clear. And I figured something out.
You can't understand how much it means to me that I figured this out..... It's a huge step in the right direction

I AM
I am split. I am split between two very clear, very defined things.
I AM
Happy. I am fun, i'm funny, i'm fun-loving. I kid. I joke. I mess. I run around, I laugh, I lie. What? Oh nothing. Forget that last one please..... I am a mask. I am a show and I like an audience. Oh yeah, high schools great! I'm in student council so that's cool.
BECAUSE
of my need for sanity. For my need for normalcy. For some inkling of distraction during the day. For Kim. For my peers and every single face that surrounds me that I need to pretend for. What's my line? What's the next scene? What am I expected to say? What should I say?
I am fake, false, and a liar. I smile. But everyone needs to be something during the daytime.


I AM
A mess. I am calculating, I am serious, I am stoic. I am insane. I am quiet. So quiet. I am introverted. I am shy. I am too too too emotional. I am this blog, every page of every journal, every damn lyric of his songs. I am brutally honest, and I don't give a damn about how anyone sees me. I have my friends and that's all I need. I am depressive, I am lonely, and I live in the past. I only come out at night. I scream, I cry, and I am sad, I am alone, but mostly, I'm angry. At my best, I live life gratefully and truly with zero regrets. I value those I love, and I know what I want and what I plan to do to get it. I am real. Living breathing, unforgiving and real. And when I look in the mirror, I recognize who looks back.

However, I'm not at my best. I'm at my core, absolute worst. I am living in an enviroment that allows the existance of the first half, the daytime. I am split.

Now, I have to choose a side. Because I can't have a foot in each corner.

There's a possibility

That all that I had was all I'm going to get

IF YOU

dont want to be with us,
don't pretend like you do
walk run jump fall
repeat
walk run jump fall
repeat
and i still havent fixed anything!
and you still haven't fixed anything!
and your prior engagement is supposed to have ENDED but
it will Never, fucking, end, will it?
and this sick pattern between us
will never, fucking, END
will it?

You're fully developed now. New clothes, New friends, shiny polished New You now
The transformations done! Ding! All fisnished, all complete,
And i've almost completely rubbed myself down
sandpapered my skin off, scrubbed off my face,
i've almost completely ground myself into the earth,
almost completely slipped away

You're not what I knew at all,
and I find barely any familiarity in you.
SO no, no, no
I don't miss you.
I don't miss you now
I miss the memory of you,
and the memory of us.
All I miss is the memories.

I miss what you used to be

Everything looks

perfect when you live in a perfect world!
The future looks beautiful when you have a perfect present
When you don't acknowledge the possibility of change,
the very very fragile state of the balance of your life as you know it,
everything might as well be concrete

But something changes. and then something else changes, and changes
and he changes and she changes and then,
you change too,
then all bets are off
and the next thing you know is the person in the mirror isn't you,
and nothing is right and the WEIGHT OF THE WORLD GOES WRONG
you fall
you DROP
and STAND BY for the BREAKDOWNS
your UGLY SIDE is on every side;
you hit bottom and with a bleeding lip and broken pride,
your soul leaves your shell,
and you go and live in the old days while your body takes the beatings of the here and now

and everything looks ---- when you live in a ______ world

I understand

Holden Caulfield more and more everyday.

I think that would be a good thing to do for a living. Catching children before they jump,
before they aren't children anymore. I think I understand that isolation and the cynicism for humans as a whole....

I need to re-read that book

its pathetic

that i sort of enjoy this

Friday

was just as normal and just as boring......
its easier to forget

Today

was a good day!
a good day...........
a rarity but i'm not focusing on that and that is what makes it a good day
hey, if you're brain isnt bothering you, don't bother it.

Unfortunetly this means I've got nothing to write about for the moment if i'm ignoring myself
so i'll probably go write and finish my drawing and then go to sleep
friday tomorrow, woooo cool stuff

dont close your eyes, dont close your eyes,
this is your life
are you who you want to be?

Ha, ha, ha, ha

so
ha, ha, ha, ha!

I'm finally
HAPPY
Independantly
HAPPY

Oh......................

The view

is not very nice from all the
way
down
here

and i miss the feeling of your tears on
my
hands

..................

"truth be told, i miss you.



truth be told, I"M LYINNN"
hehhhehehehhehehehe

You are

too important. Your eyes your face, your smile. You are goodness, you are honesty, you are the perfection of my memories. The clarity and details, the murky blurs of forgetfulness.

You and I go together like any perfect pair. Like April flowers, May showers. Associated automatically, flittering mental pictures of full smiles and old old old inside jokes.
The beauty of history. A strong invisible bond that doesn't break even when you think it's breaking. You see the illusion of rust and deterioration yet you couldn't walk away even if you tried. Even if you really, honestly wanted to. You give a person all that's inside you and they have it forever. No taking it back, no changing it. They hold you in their hand to break, twist and turn. So malleable you are now. And even when you wish it different, underneath that you wouldn't have it any other way.

When you peel away every stubborn layer, every false pretense, there it is. Patient, enduring, permanent. Not flimsy, or flighty, but much beyond average human tolerance. If you spend so much time building something, in turn, it will take exactly that much to tear down. To fall apart. So logically if you put all of yourself into the construction, you will need all your power -- maybe more -- to even begin to terminate it. Yes, there it lies. The invisible, immortal bond between two people that's elusive, yet painfully obvious. Watch closely, you'll see it locked between their eyes. A fleeting glance, or a loaded stare. You can always see it. It's always there.

In conclusion, that's all I'm getting at. YOU. You are the earth under my feet. My worry, my joy, my every trivial thought. The raw pain under the choking sobs, the warmth that bathes my heart in happiness. The past, present, and hopefully the future. Perhaps, inevitably, the future.

In conclusion, that's the indescribable power I'm getting at. I love you. I always have, I always will. And for every minute of every day, for every piece of myself I've invested in you, every little crooked step I take, that will always be fact. I love you, and for all this -- for everything -- I won't ever, ever let you go.

I

take full responsibility

change is needed
i'll try and let it in

Oh Hello again um scratch that ^ ^ ^
correction:
change is inevitable. it's swallowing me whole