Hey

100 posts for the new year
woooo woo woow owwowoowow

I think

I only have one true new years resolution
only one that really matters to me the most...
or maybe just my most important

It's just to put every piece together
live in harmony with every facet of myself
in that, i'll take control of my life and become who i want to be

And yes i'm sure I could list it out as goals. Steps, to help along the way
Maybe I will
But if I keep that in mind, nothing can go too wrong.Yeah, I think i'll write it out

P.S.....

Torey Bocker called me yesterday crying
and I felt nothing but sympathy

so.... kudos for me

Again, with the enneagram thing

why does it upset me so much that I can't just have a type?
Everytime I take that stupid test I get mixed, various results
I can't even answer the questions, because I'm unsure of the answers

how about I must be sure of the answers to be happy? Is there a type for that?

Well

I'm having a hard time accepting that just because i'm not unhappy anymore, it doesn't mean that I suddenly have a flawless grasp on who I am like I used to.
Yeah, I was wrong, and mean, and self-centered, and judgemental....
but at least I knew it. Knew myself.

Do you prefer the new mackenzie or the old one?
It's probably not possible to say yet.
But I wanna make sure you know them both very well.

Enneagram tests stress me out

I don't like how my level of distress depends so little on my outside enviroment.
I'm so dangerously introverted in ways, ways that make it so it's completely possible for me to truly exist in my head.
to consider myself when i'm alone, and around others, practically two different people. That's something I would like to change.
But changing that feels impossible somehow.

I used to be able to exist in my world. I used to be the same consistant person through and through... And I'm guessing it's just because of my powerlessness towards my immidiate enviroment that causes me to be at such a loss of identity in social situations versus when i'm alone. But in my past, I was so comfortable in my life and enviroment because i'd created it all. I belonged in it so thouroughly because I had such control over it. So I guess I wasn't as independant as I thought? Well I know that now. I've recognized that.

I've recognized a lot of things that I thought to be true about myself to surprise me by not being true at all. That all my perceptions of past events were thouroughly flawed, self-serving, and crude.

Now, my very core problem is this: Since I've seemingly learned so much about myself -- past, present, and future -- I want to be able to keep the good parts of myself from the past, and blend them with everything i've learned in the present. How can I do that when the two sides seem so contrary? How could I possibly find a balance in that?

How do I find balance?
How do I find security?

I need to do yoga or something I worry way too much for my own good

Now how is it

That everything is parallel?
That when you fall, I fall,
and when I'm fixed, you're fixed?

Is everything really that connected?


I love you Savannah, I love you Saskia, I love you Jack
You are
it for me

All there is

is sunshine
all i can see is sunshine
sunshine sunshine

If you put a few pieces in the puzzle,
maybe fill in the outline,
it because suddenly too easy for all the other pieces to fall into place
one by one everything becomes so clear, so brilliant,
and im better now than i've ever been
i have paid my dues,
and felt my old mistakes

So.... I win
I win the game,

I won,
and I'm on top where nothing can touch me

I'll take a small second,

to brag about how well i'm doing
and how bright the future is....
as opposed to a few months back when i saw no future at all

deep breath, big smile....


Okay. Now, onto you.

Hey

"Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy... but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird." TKAM

"Let you alone! That's all very well, but how can I leave myself alone? We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
F451

"You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. Man, when I was young I shoved my ignorance in people's faces. They beat me with sticks. By the time I was forty my blunt instrument had been honed to a fine cutting point for me. If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn."
F451

"'Maybe there is a beast....maybe it's only us.'"
LOTF

well

its inevitable

Better

And sometimes when you're on,
You're really fucking on.
And your friends they sing along,
And they love you...
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence...


But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better
And You'll be smarter
And More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be Happy.

Happy happy happy,
hope hope hope

So.... The plan,

Is all laid out, not complete but the outline looks good
I have "goals" now, So that's good
I still don't exactly feel like myself,
at least the version I'm most familiar with
I guess this means the old skins are shed,
and I'm just this raw being ready to begin
It's not at all easy. Still really tense. Hard to think
But we've got
-Honesty
-Realism
-Optimism
-Boldness
-Self-esteem
Among other things. A promise to open up, and reach out
Care about the ones who care about me
Break the isolation and make plans, and keep them
And a promise to "leave the past in the past,
and lace up a new set of shoe strings."
Let go
Let go
Let go
To forgive

So much to remember...

Taking Control

feels good

Hey You

Letter to Self

Be done with the anger
Listen to your logic.... for more than 10 minutes
If something feels like it's the truth, chase it
Pay attention to the things you're learning,
don't let yourself forget it. And also, stop falling into your own patterns.
Just because sadness feels real doens't mean its right.
Where, in the last 5 months, has it gotten you?
Nowhere but down, as far as I can see.
Nothing will change -- YOU won't change, unless you make yourself
And I know i'm repeating myself. I really do want to change though... At least, I want things to change. It's all here, it's possible. And I'm sorry you can't work out the puzzles, I'm sorry that you over-analyze everything. I'm sorry you think but never do. But in reality, it's probably not as hard as you think. I say, we try to remember what we've already learned.... try to take the memories and put them to use.

I'm sorry people change. But that's a fact of life. You won't escape it, and you can't always fix it... or know how to. But you can't get lost in your own stupid prose and letters in your notebooks. You have to be a realist sometimes. You're self-indulgent, you're arrogant and you hate it. You don't know how, but you know you have to change yourself, NOW. Well, that involves doing things. Really working for it. It's all about work, really.

God, once you're in, it's really hard to get out.
So easy to get in, so hard to get out

Go back to the plan. Understand what happened, and what you did wrong. Then, forgive yourself. Yeah, you fucked up. I know. Forgive her, too. Try.

Why is this so hard?

Okay. Where was I? Reach out to the people who try to reach you... Less to the people you can never really reach. And remember that it is, in fact, a two-way street....
Be stronger. I'd rather you be too strong, too cold... Don't be cold. Help people, other people. Think of others.... And define what "try" means to you.

I'm losing sight of the purpose of letter... I can't get it out? I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know

Sincerely,

Finals are almost over

so I'm thinking again

does anyone read blogger religeously like i do?
like, log on and hooope that someone's posted a new
angry/pathetic/miserable/enlighting/self-serving/tragic
new entry?
I love reading them
I've got us four ranked in level of patheticness(word?) from 1 to 4
1 being the most, 4 being the least
If you don't agree, don't worry, just my perception
Wait
Scratch that
Because in a way, it's all equal
and it's all bad. None of us are right
we're all so wrong

I think if we were to fix things we would need to do a little anger release first
Seriously, we do it in a blog everyday, we could do it in person
Let's just all get in a group for like 4 hours and just tell each person what we feel about them.
The comments we've bitten back, offensive but probably true
everything, just let everything drop.
It would be pointless not to. We know that shits in us
in tiny little bottles,
lets just unscrew the caps
Once it's all out in the open,
then we can work on forgiveness
and possibly, forgiving even ourselves
Self-loath sticks though, and that will take a while

Because, for example Saskia, I could either never talk to you again
or I could yell at you about everything, and move on
and like your two-way street thoery,
you could kick my ass too.
Now, I realize two particular people in this little group will argue that venting will only lead to fighting, which will make things worse
Let me explain that it doesn't have to be yelling. Just TALKING.
Just honesty in it's quintessance. No walls, no secrets,
just open the flood gates....
We'd all be walking around a little lighter
or, a lot lighter

Think about it and get back to me
or i'll call you

DISCLAIMER: this is me being logical. I might change my mind and decide it better to lock up my thoughts for myself sooo cross your fingers

i'll wait my turn to tear inside you
watch you burn
watch you burn

Yes

I'm still angry,
no, i don't forgive you,
yes it's your fault,
yes, i want to fucking punch you in the face

Yes, i resent you.
Yes, I envy you.
Yes, I often wish you would disappear.
Yes, you deserve it,
No, I can't remember why I love you
No, I won't say it back if I can't remember,
Yes, yes, yes i'm biting my tougue and yes, thats my biggest regret

and yeah
when i look you in the eye
i see nothing

Savannah Wooten

my little southern belle,
come over to my house during winter break and we can
taalk talk all night
sounds good? good

smokelike person + moonlike person = awesome

placebo

"Broken Promise"

They rise above this,
They cry about this,
As we live and learn..

A broken promise,
I was not honest,
Now I watch as tables turn,
And you're singing -

I'll wait my turn,
To tear inside you,
Watch you burn,
I'll wait my turn,
I'll wait my turn.

I'll cry about this,
And hide my cuckold eyes,
As you come off all concerned,
And I'll find no solace,
In your poor apology,
In your regret that sounds absurd,
And keep singing -

I'll wait my turn,
To tear inside you,
Watch you burn..
And I'll wait my turn,
To terrorize you,
Watch you burn..
And I'll wait my turn,
I'll wait my turn.

And this is a promise -
Promise is a promise,
Promise is a promise,
Promise is a promise.

And I'll wait my turn,
To tear inside you,
Watch you burn,
I'll wait my turn,
I'll wait my turn.

A broken promise,
You were not honest!
I'll bide my time
I'll wait my, turn.

Mackenzie completed the quiz "What is Your Inner Self?" with the result A Moonlike Person.

You hide your emotion sometimes .You are a moon type of person. You tend to be the quiet type or in contrast, you are not happy but sometimes you act it out in order for you to not... burden your friends with your problems. You've faced some problems in your life. Your heart has been dealt blows before . You tend to think about things a lot more than other people, and you may get annoyed with people who act out without thinking about consequences. You are also the type of person that others often come to with their problems because you've been through plenty, and you are very understanding. Though you sometimes feel lonely, your demeanor is usually chill, and relaxed. You usually are logical, and rely a lot on facts and information on decisions. You often keep things to yourself. This is just one side of you, and you have different faces in different situations and environments, just like the moon has phases. Thanks for taking this quiz, I hope you enjoyed it .

Talk to me, i'll listen....
i'm just a quiet moon type person

no.

Of course

of course of course of course

now why is it that you have everything i want and your still unhappy?
every trait, every person, every item, every little thing
and how is it that I would trade places with you in a heartbeat,
and you still find something to be unhappy about?
If you want to be unhappy, let's go ahead and trade
and then maybe you wouldn't chase it like you do

Slow down

Oz isn't done with you yet

i'd rather be down down down than down up down any day

I

had the power to leave Oz and go home the entire time,

well why didn't someone tell me?

Because I had to figure it out on my own.

There's no place like home, no place like home, no place like home....

Absolute joy

and optimism because:
for the first time in months I feel Mackenzie coming through
just a small, elusive presence of the person I thought I was, the person I lost
The person I know I am.
Just a fleeting feeling, but unmistakable.

Like many other times I'm sure,
you promised me something, promised to fix it.
And instead of instant assent,
something flared

She says: you are not in control of this
I should've never put you there
You do not command my well-being
Somehow I've let you
I am not dependant on you,
of course I love you, but that's different,
I am myself and I should not be hanging on these slippery words.
I should be making the promises to me,
with or without you.
You can come with me if you like,
but I'm going to the top again,

and this time, I'll never stop.

Now watch as I rebuild this broken city

Please

wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up
so i cant tell myself it's not your fault,
that I have nothing to forgive you for

and you,
please don't worry. Don't
I want to help you but i'm not good for that
I can't help you if I cant help myself

and you,
let's talk. Let's connect
help me help you, i'll help you help you.....
help me help me, too.
Together? yes

and me,
don't cry anymore.
where there's dark there's light
just don't cry anymore....

words

are just words

... --- ...

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-... ..- - .. -.-. --- ..- .-.. -.. -. . ...- . .-. -- .- -.- . -- -.-- ... . .-.. ..-. -.. --- .. -

-.-- --- ..- .- .-. . - .... . -... .. --. --. . ... - -.. .. ... ... .- .--. --- .. -. - -- . -. - .. .... .- ...- . . ...- . .-. ..-. .- -.-. . -.. .-.-.- .- -. -.. .. -. -- .- -. -.-- .-- .- -.-- ... --..-- -.-- . ... --..-- .. - .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. -... . -.-- --- ..- .-. ..-. .- ..- .-.. - .-.-.- .. -. -- .- -. -.-- --..-- -- .- -. -.-- .-- .- -.-- ... -.-- --- ..- .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. ... .... .- .-. . - .... . -... .-.. .- -- . .-.-.- -.-- --- ..- .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. ... .... .- .-. . - .... . -... .-.. .- -- . .-.-.-



.- -. -.. - .... .- - ... -- -.-- ... . -.-. .-. . - .-.-.-

Myself and I

we share this barely beating heart of hurt.

dear heart,
stop beating

You and I

sat for an entire hour in silence,
because I didn't say a word
and you didn't say a word

I was having one of those days
one where I close my eyes, focusing on nothing but being gone
where everything I see, I want to destroy,
where I dare myself to hold my breath until I black out,
where I see myself for what I am - a ghost
with cold fingers, and a dead stare

And you left like you do everyday
but that's not what's important.
No. Not at all.

it's that I let you leave.

You and I sat for an entire hour in silence
because I didn't say a word
and you didn't say a word.

We've sat 5 months in silence,
because we won't say a word.

My conscience

is getting weaker
maybe for the time being, it's not such a bad thing

Hey Um

HOW the f do you put music on yer blog

How wrong

will it be
until we develop a conscience?
Until I manifest myself into someone who can move, even an inch?
My question is:
Will the hurt build up so strong it becomes strength,
or wear me down a little more each day until I slip away completely?

Hey
I still don't like this
but I think you need to be alone
Alone to piece apart,
re-invent.....
Need time to start over without the pressure of the people around you
Because I dont want you to do it for me or her or him or them
but strictly for you
I want you to be the only reason for yourself