a day of nothing

is still frustrating

um

has no one else but me updated since the 21st?
WHAT UP guys get with it
move it or lose it
get the lead out
UPDATE plz

Thurs.

one more tally mark,
one more check
3 days till spring and then....
then what?
it seems silly i guess to put so much faith into a month
but leaves will come back and the frost will slide off
and there'll be sun
that's what matters
sun
Because It's a pattern for me
I know in march, things get better
And once the last little bit of winter dissapates
i'll be free of this season forever
i'm better now, all that's left is the weather
clouds'll open and i'll shake it all off, move on
get on with the summer songs

thursday...... [x] check

Wednesday

is nondescript with a drop of clarity
left over from last night
a page in a book but i'm trying to tell myself
that this will all be significant someday
somehow,
somehow the sun will still be around
when i rise for thursday
rub my eyes, crack my bones
stretch my arms and leave with mom
to play the same games
retrace my steps

a day is a grain of sand from a mountain
far far away
i'm the bird, and today is another day

I woke up

to sunlight
and slid through the day like silk and water
easy as blinking, when i keep everything at an arm's length
and it's tuesday and i'm mentally skipping weeks ahead
looking for landmarks
when really i know i'm cheating myself out of Now
But i'm new mackenzie and I don't really care
because if life isn't a flawless soap bubble
i don't have to be one either
pop, , , , ,
lets get real

Tuesday

I'm a bear
I'm a calm collected independant force-to-be-reckoned-with easy-going protective strong smarter-then-the-average
Bear
That never changed
I'm happy to realize that

wait for the future

In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before, long long, long ago.
But I'm still trying to make my mind up, am I free or am I tied up?

okay jack,
you said saskia was a colt,
hmm maybe
you said savannah was a sparrow,
agreed....
And you're a wolf
absolutely

so what am I?

it

smells like monday
and tastes like morning
i want some coffee and some hope

Oh how

the tables have turned!
but where are we now?

Well I'm in Language. LIbrary \\ Timmeee
fun
I'm paranoid about getting in trouble or whatever though
this probably wouldve been blocked at aprende
hmmmm

nothing to report
except that i'm sorry
this time it counts though
because i actually had to live through it myself

Well

I'm sitting here on Saturday ignoring responsibility feeling tired, ugly, awful
after all night with no sleep and a 6 hour nap. Isn't that literal definition of being nocturnal?

I'm sure I could find something interesting to talk about, but it's definitely something i've talked about before. I really don't want to mull over the past anymore. I just want it to finally settle into being The Past. Thinking about it incessently doesn't make it feel like it's over for good. But I've always been like that with my memories. I've never fully comprehended that they're over, for real. Forever. I always think that if I try hard enough, remember well enough, I can always go back if only for a little while. But remembering is really all I have and it loses its color, loses the sharpness. Diludes until it's nothing but an ache in my stomach, a core tangible emotion that overrides all others, and a souvenir that exists only to prove that at some point it was real, and it certainly felt like forever then.

And now we're here. In the present.
Here we are, in 9th grade
and if nothing else, I can say it's definitely made a name for itself,
and I won't be forgetting it soon

today

i admitted something to a small group of strangers that i can't even admit on this blog
still not sure how i feel about this

i hATE

WHEN I can so blatently see the STUpiditY around me
where everything strikes me as ridiculous because i'm way overtired
i wanna sinnnnnkkkk
into my sheets and sleep
for wwweeeeeeks

i read a book about depression today
it bored me
i hate a lot of french fries
and gave hannah dirty looks
because she's annoying as fuck
and gooodddd im getting into that mood where i suddenly hate everyone
it's the worst
and if i don't stop now i will say some things i will regret


go away anger gooo aawwaayay

So,

strike two? for... high school dances?
of course it had its pros and cons
pros like seeing jack and paine, seeing savannah and wearing a pretty dress
cons like everything else I don't care to explain
but seeing sterling on the verge of tears because stephanie petre screwed him over....
sympathy not warrented
do people really get this worked up about dances like these?
i mean, its not like i'm above it. i don't have anything better to do
more like, i'd rather do nothing than do this
because i just don't care about highschool
and I wish i could make myself care,
but the ways i've changed?
well, now i'm an awkward dancer,
and highschool is "not my scene."

I guess somewhere along the line, that's the one thing that ever really divided us
from that point on, everything just fell into place

Perfect

Well

I was on the right track?
Why do I keep misplacing my purpose.... I knew it was there.
I knew I wanted to be something specific. I know I had goals.
But I fall into the ease of my habits and I continue without any remorse
And I'm guilty of it, too

For everything he lectured us on
And I'm guilty, and perhaps even more at fault
Because I know better
Because I know the correct answer before I even ask the question
and I know I should stand up for what I truly,
honestly,
sincerely without hesitation
beleive. But I take a deep breath and I hold my toungue
avert my eyes, look away
I might even contribute to it, on a bad day
or, maybe everyday

But I need to stop relying on outside forces to remind me of what's right
Because I know better

God, I want to be good enough
Good enough dancer, good enough friend
good enough person, good enough student,
good enough daughter, good enough for him, her, and all of them
Mostly?
Good enough for myself

IN

satiable

I don't know, it's complicated

why does every relationship that counts have to be such a mess?
That's a stupid question, of course
If it's worth it, it will be messy
"If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love"
Yeah yeah
I guess it could be messier
But each unique connection with a person is a mess in it's own way
And they each hve their own little twist,
but their all caused by the same things
seperation, lack of communication....
etc., etc........

Night

So

I've checked blogger about 5 times today and I whine everytime I see nobody's updated
So i'm deciding to update in order to avoid being a hypocrite....
I'm all tense again
I'm so not falling asleep anytime soon
I want Saskia to have her phone so she can text me
And I want Jack to reply
And I want to know what's going on with everybody
Because when nothing is going on with you,
nothing is going on with me

this girl

is trapped/free
red/blue
down/up
graceful/awkward
calm/nervous
and she is making progress

Grey Blue Friday

and you still don't know everything

Hey you

it feels great to be alright with you
no complaints on you're front, you're my shining little start again
that's refreshing huh?
maybe this could work out after all

It was a sky blue thursday
i mean, i'm ignoring the shadows
because they're irritating!
so the daily shit, i threw on the floor
I realize that it really shouldn't be this hard
do normal people function like this?
But I'm pretending it's just a typical thing
because i'm learning how to deal and I like that
a lot

At least, now, I can see my targets;
my problems and bullshit
and I can aim, shhhhoot
eventually i'll get some bullseyes for sure

but today? i'll do the dishes, work on my new playlist, do my homework
and sleep

oh,

fuck off

I am

such a jem in dance class
smiling futtering blushing cute little thing
glowing, for some reason
sky sky sky blue

I am such a ghost in the morning
stoic silent quiet sleepy serious thing
frozen, for some reason
grey grey grey blue

I am such a mess at night
figdeting fussing bundle-of-nerves
nervous gnawing hopeless free falling slippery thing
Burning, for some reason
dark dark dark blue
deep deep deep blue
blood blood blood blue

true blue,
all through

I'm

unlocked
and I want everyone to know my blueprints
broken itching twitching laughing easy free better,
ugly hiding dishonest skipping missing hitting mess
no secrets