Living

Breathing Laughing, Vital

And am I still a shell?
Because I don't take pictures
Because I twist and fuss in my sleep,
Because I'm just dying for you to call me
And just a user of people, of places, or things

It could be that I want to talk to you,
or it could be that I don't want to stand alone
and have it be clear how many miles away from the human race I truly am
It could be, that I'm happy
It could be that I'm confident
How temporary, yet consistant
For an hour a day, I'm up up up
But I stay home on saturday nights and I watch my friends blaze by
in the glimmer of their lives
while I'm still asleep and I don't mind it,
a ghost of a girl and I don't mind it

Because I used to live
with time cleary marked and my heart on my sleeve
Landmarks like Her eyes, my music, his sadness, red balloons, red trucks, red purpose, red lights, red ruin, vital burning red
And now with a shallow breathe and a boring beat I'm
blue shadows, a blue coat, and blue sleep

I don't think i'll ever wake up,
because I think the sun's far past set.

-----

"It is imperative that you tell me when I take things too far. I will tend to get tangled in my words. I never know which is worse, knowing what to say or what not to say. But if my words drifted away in silence and all that was left were facial expressions and reactions then all the complications would go away. There are no infidelities in human reactions. But in words there are lies. It’s easy to lie with your words but not in physical actions. So I’ll sit here trying to make sense of who we really are. Are we all liars? Do we fall as one or in isolation? When is it that we bring everyone down with us? This could all go on for a lifetime. But this paragraph ends with a question. Who are we all?"

Who would I be without you?

Today

jack told me it was going to be a great day
and, it was

I'm the coolest out of "those girls"
I know I can kill louboutins
alone or not
I'm taking psychology in junior year,
and i feel like spring is on its way.......

tomorrow is friday,
i will get out of bed
I will joke
i will dance
i will smile and i will focus only on
the impending sunshine
that will most definitely
be blue

"I should warn you
When I'm not well
I can't tell
Oh, there's nothing I can do
To make this easier for you

You're gonna need to be patient with me

I'm this apple, this happening stone
When I'm alone
Oh, but my blessings get so blurred
At the sound of your words

I'm gonna need you to be patient with me

How can I warn you when my tongue turns to dust
Like we've discussed
It doesn't mean that I don't care
It means I'm partially there

You're gonna need to be patient with me"

WHY

cant i go to sleep when i want to?
its sick and twisted that i'm most tired 20 minutes before i have to spring to life
fuck

everyone fails

you have to know that all that's ever functional is you
and your ability to kick yourself when your down
and I'm not judging, not chastizing
I'm praising...... empathizing
Because when the lights go out I'm the same girl
the same girl who sits on her bed and thinks about her people
the people. The ones who surround her, interconnecting, breaking off
conjoining and weaving under and over one another into a twisted chain of unbreakable ties
that all lead back to her
me
how they fail, how they triumph
how theyre better, or worse than me
what's enviable and what certainly isn't
and which bits and pieces I want to be part of this strange combination that defines the person I am
And I'm the one who had to learn that in the end
just because they're in the bottom of my heart
doesnt mean they're in the palm of my hand
and a certain distance must be kept, because
everyone fails
especially me
and since i cant close my eyes, breath, and be gone
I have to deal with this truth

we all do

Last time

I swear
no more blog name changing

Today was fine..... I smile a lot at times and I make sure to notice it
So obviously, I'm enjoying my day somehow
I want to make my journal cooler
How is this possible, I know
But I think I can do it
"I want to crawl into a hole and never come out"
Ha ha ha ha__________--- me too!
Lovely day

Tomorrow is a half day
Yay,
and it's supposed to rain.......... I'm not excited, so much
I was last week before it rained for like 60 hours straight
So obviously this post is going nowhere.....
Well oh well oh well

I'm blue sunshine
sunshine sunshine
Surrounded by a sea
Of BRIGHT BLUE
bright bright
Bluuuuuu<><>><>

I swear

I'm done renaming my blog
Oh, and blue is my favorite color

BRIGHT
Blluuuueee

So, I still miss

walking to school with a blaring iPod,
3 best friends,
a nutrigrain bar,
and an easy calm

God,

all i want to do is stay in my house and never leave,
sleep 23 hours a day,
and be a hermit
is that okay?
is that too much?

or do i really have to participate in this planet and actually be a part of its spinning
I'd really rather not
i dont want to do anything
can i just stay home please

fuck

hehehehehe

Well

nothing's perfect

God it's sad

that i don't think you even realize it,
but it's easy to see
and the distance has never felt so evident
our "talks" never more meaningless
because actions still speak louder than words...
on both our parts
and its both our fault,
and at the same time, neither of our faults

because in the end it's all about how everything happens for a reason
and its about my metaphor with the wheels that spin but only touch once,
about how the spheres of our lives were connected, maybe even conjoined
and now theyre splitting faster than even we can see
and the worst part is, we can see it

and it still makes my fingers cold and it still makes me sick, yeah
and I can say I don't care, but I still do
but I don't want anything than to be able to rub salt in the wounds and freeze them shut forever

But you're still there
with your freckles i've memorized and your chopped sunshine hair,
matching clothes and pink toenails that give a physical representation of the transformation that's painfully clear on its own.
And We'll pretend like nothings happening
you're healthy,
i'm happy,
we're fine

But the truth is,
you don't need me
and I know you've told me different
but it doesn't matter, because its the truth

and I guess after 6 months,
I can finally handle that.

I need you

to never, ever
assume you know
what is going on inside my head

And I will practice the same unto you. I'll try my best not to judge you on swift stunted words on this little website
And judge you solely on your actions and what you want me to know.
But I need you to know
That You
Have
No
Idea

You mightv'e, months ago
But not now,
You lost that sense, misplaced that key,
FORGOT PASSWORD?
Yep.

You don't know. So don't assume you do.
Clear? Okay
Now

Disappear from my mind
goodbye
goodbye
goodbye

I can't tell you

I cannot tell you
how much. I. Love.

n o t c a r i n g

Life is hard, but so am I,
I've got novacaine for my soul

An icy exoskeleton,
two frozen eyes

I'm strong
Goodbye

Mwah! <3

Wow

No. No.
Highschool dances are out of my realm
and I'm not a teenager. Probably never will be
Despite my efforts....
Didn't expect to have a meltdown though

Why can't it just work, ever?

YES

Maybe

It's that I'm accepting my flaws --
that I'm awkward, angry, and more often than not, apathetic
But instead of building a "new me" like I wanted
It's better to just take the old parts, and add to them
So yeah, I'm a little depressive
and maybe melodramatic
and totally contradictory
Then again, fun, funny... fun-loving
I can be sunshine, and I can be the darkest day
But perhaps it's a strength as opposed to a weakness

But the victory is in the changes:
I'm more forgiving, less judgemental
I'm more adventurous, less guarded
I'm even improving my social skills!

The point is that with every step I take
I'm more and more me
and less and less afraid
And as long as I can do that,
I'm complacent, calm, and more than grateful.

Hi, I'm Mackenzie.
I'm an aries, a moon type person, and a healthier 8
I'm open, blunt, and unafraid
and about some things, I just don't care
I'm happier and easier but still so scarred
and I embrace it all. I'm 14 million miles from sane,
and that's perfectly fine with me.

I'm working on happy

I'm busy

and my brain is tangled
and i'm taking risks
and going to that dance, and getting in that car...
stepping out of the lines I drew myself
I don't want to be School, homework, bed, repeat anymore
and I won't be
and it's scary
and my "cancer rising" want to creep back to the beginning and sit at home all day long,
my inertia is powerful and I'm yerning for the comfort of my normal routine
yes, the one that contributed to misery
it's a catch 22 -- Be horribly low, be secure doing it?
But I will do it
I will do it
And I
Will achieve

hey you

i'm made of breakdowns
you're never alone
never

Though its forgiven

its still irritating

irritating that we didn't understand eachother for a MINUTE
because we were so wrapped up in ourselves
while in reality, we shouldve understood eachother effortlessly
because we knew eachothers roles so well...

How I could NOT know where you were coming from?
I spent months in your shoes, just a year ago
How could you treat me like I treated you,
when I was on top, and you we're drowning?

Was it really that easy to forget all those scars?
was it really so hard to remember how difficult sympathy is?
you shoulve known, i shouldve known

but its over now
and it doesnt matter
but did it ever really matter?

Well,

school tomorrow
im looking towards a week filled with highschool bullshit that I should care about
Want to care about
but just don't, in the end

Hahahaha,
I want to move to the moon and hide

Information

Is it weird that I have to make myself be invested in a conversation? I think it is. I think it's weird that I have an autopilot tailored to the people I have to talk to; those other human beings that I have to interact with. Don't get me wrong, it isn't ALL the time that I do this. Maybe like 60-70% of the time?

Even if I'm remotely interested in what your saying. It's just, its a habit. I understand how I could've gotten used to offering nothing, no dialogue of my own. Instead, just letting the person run on, pressing all the right buttons along the way to keep their words flowing.... Letting them tell their stories because I know they don't want to hear mine. So instead, I let them beleive I want to hear theirs. Everybody wins this way.... in the short-term. You feel validated, I only have to use minimal effort. I've created many short-cuts for myself, ways to cheat, skip, glide dimly through life... Only recently have I relaized that this, truly, is beneficial to no one.

But it's a habit. And I'm giving my best to break it. To break all my bad habits.
But, I slip.

You could help, if you wanted to. Just bug me about it until I tell you everything that's on my mind. Or at the least tell me that you want to know. The rest is my responsibilty anyway.

Yeah, tonight I feel like talking.

I hate winter. Everything's dead. Trees are gray, air is dry... everywhere you look, things are frostbitten and defeated by the weather. The worst part is we don't even have the fluffy snow to make up for everything else. Sorry, I'm complaining, but I feel like expressing this. My coat makes my hair staticy and it's covered in dog hair...

I wish Jack went to corona. I've never really taken the time to imagine how different everything might be. Might've been. If the story would have changed, events shifted. What kind of impact would he have made?
I like to think it would be a big one. I don't know what, but things just wouldv'e happened differently.

I want to be better. I really do want to be friendlier, nicer, and just better. I'm torn between my own laziness and what has to be done. Am I scared? I don't know. Probably. But god, I need to get over it. I already know this, too. It's a problem. Weak spot. Whatever, I'm made of weak spots. Bruises, painted over, invisble, pathetic... Stupid. More pathetic that I'm still whining about my own self-pity in a blog. Pity is the wrong word... Pity implies sympathy.

But enough negative, I'm driving in circles. It's so easy to repeat myself. Easy is the word of the week, I guess.

Okay well I'm home alone, my feet are cold, and I don't like not knowing where you are. Mom's house, Dad's house, the park, the stable, Europe, the mall, the movies, with your boyfriend, social circle, your self, your pets....
We should talk tonight...
All of you. All of us

ttfn omg

Why does no one ever update their blogs?

God

get over it
and make things happen

(....directed to self........)

savannah I loved both your journals
jack tell me what your blog title means
saskia teell mee whhenn we can hang out

That goes for all of you though
I need to hang out with all of you
haha I just couldnt think of anything else i want sask to do and I want to tell her
;) ;) ;) ;)

savannah
sleepover
SOOn

Ssssokay?
Good

Minimal sleep in three days

kills my mood
i'm wondering if I can push it
see how tired I can get, see how sore my muscles can be,
see how late I can be for math, see how many resolutions I can break,
see how many lies I can justify, see how many promises I can retract,
see how many times I can say, "fine"
See how far I can go
Press my limits

Oh yeah, I'm sorry
I forgot for a moment that I was passed all that

Whatever mackenzie, I'm still not crazy about you
There is no try, there is only do and do not...........

Hi

I'm mackenzie.... I'm an aries, a moon-type person, and probably an unhealthy 8
well, sometimes healthy
I hate excersise and I like my comfort zone
and I'm still making mistakes
and I'm still trying to forgive myself for old ones
and I'm tired
and I'm not ready for the real world

In my dream

I was flying, and I had my eyes closed
I flew real close to the ground.... my hair barely skimming the earth
and everything around me was warm,
and I was at peace
Because I was safe, because I knew I wouldn't hit a single tree
And I didn't.

This feels important

I won't hit a single tree
Deep breathe, eyes closed, warm smile

I
will
be
fine


And I am. Finally.

Okay, be angry

go ahead, you've earned it
but you'll see what I mean

found this

liked it

Will you

please give me a break?
Just be patient.... please be patient for me
I'm still working out my flaws, calculating my plans.
Don't be so eager to lose faith in me
because you don't understand that I do want to make this better,
make this work
It's a new year,
a new girl
so you're just going to have to give me a new start