don't say sorry

you become a sorry person
"I apologize"
I was late
I apologize for being late
next time I will not be late
Will you forgive me?

If I can keep my arms wrapped tightly enough around me, locked in place and aching from the pressured stillness then I can stay warm. The cold will not touch me. I wish the change in me this year would manifest physically. Instead of having to hold my heat inside, my warm internal fire could radiate from me, thawing even the coldest of cold hearts. My cheeks could redden and I could smile and the winter air wouldn't touch me. I think this should be possible. If it can be December and I can practically dance my way to math class just because I'm so happy to be there, at school, alive; tickled merely because I can be, anything should be possible.

I think I can honestly say I would give it away though, for certain people. This happiness. It's so powerful it makes me glow and if I could sell it to you just so you could taste it, know it for once. I don't think you have any knowledge of what it's like, to be happy like this. Maybe if you did you'd be willing to fight for it. Depression is a thing that you glorify in your mind, not only before you own it but after you surmount it as well. When you're actually living in it you realize it's worse than you ever realized. It's attraction is romanticized. Happiness, however, is not. Happiness is actually just as wonderful as you can ever imagine it to be, especially when you're lost in the deepest abyss of yourself. And like depression, anyone who wants it can have it. If they work hard enough, that is.

Yeah... I wish I could give it to you

You don't.

Can I have my books back now?

You You You

Miss me
Sometimes
You Do

Haha

I still come here

sorry blogger

i guess youre just too heavy with bad memories
and now, youre empty! we're pretty much gone
found something a little more fun
we'll still visit but not because we want to still be here or anything
dont worry, i know how you feel

...
..
bye <3

i'm so

heavy
heavy
heavy in your arms

i give up

blue cant be enough without red
red cant be enough without blue
they both need eachother's influence
in some form or another

i will take whatever form works best
and i will be happy with that

right now,

i am alone, and im happy

it comes down to

when i look at your life, i would like to be a part of it
but im almost positive it wouldn't be possible

me rejecting you is a bad feeling that never lasts
you rejecting me is a bad feeling that never left
except, when did you reject me?
the you in my head, she rejects me

and i think god she's so interesting, so old
so beautiful... i'd like to be friends with her
i never percieved you that way because you were riddled
with weakness
but now, i just cant see your weakness as weakness at all
because youre excellent at making it disappear

its jealousy, somehow
and im disgusted with myself for that

and shit
i cant even finish this

someday

"All too often we take the little Sparrow for granted - small though she may be, she is certainly powerful. It is her slightness in size that gives her advantages. She reminds us we do not have to have the big stuff (cars, houses, etc.) to be important, and we do not have to have the loudest voice in order be heard. "

i have

a tremendous swelling hope
for sophomore year

whats that

weird feeling

oh

jealously
regret
confusion

night

So,

I survived

i fucking hate the new you

Sorry

Everytime you log off

and i'm stuck here in this cold house
with only the flawed way i can remember everyone's voice
not well enough, not convincing at all
I can remember the shape of my days and the muted pulse that pulls me through
it feels like sand in my fingers and more sand coming

everytime you do that you leave me without wings
without a lifeline, or connection to anything
i'm like a cartoon in the stratosphere, giving that comically horrified glance to the audience, and then youre back

and i breathe

and i wonder how and when i got this lonely

friday

in may
strep makes me quieter, tired, and i eat almost nothing
i still feel like friends are like daisies crawling up through concrete
sparse.... few and far between
i don't care about my hair anymore
and i let my nails chip and grow
i'm going to download more yeasayer,
go to a student council banquet just because i can
without a bit of inhibition
i've got a stretch of summer and a room to clean
dusty sunshine fills my room,
i'll get my books back and take my antibiotics...
and i rather like the girl i'm becoming
the girl i am

Haha

Let him win

You've got to be good looking cause you're so hard to see

shit, why do i like you again?
oh thats right
you're funny
you also care about nothing
funny thing is, you could be so much worse,
you could be

God, i hate

general negativity everywhere i turn
i really, really hate it

come summer, so i can sleep
see few faces, and retreat
into a thoughtless ease where i only have to concentrate
on those select three
so i can try to regroup
before dreaded 1st semester
before the circle completes and repeats
and i have to just start over
before fall phases and empty winter, dead trees
before all these days bleed and i wake up with no peace
just come summer
so i can rest and recover
and pretend that its really that easy

just let me go away
i'm packed
i'm down
whenever

im a good kid

and you think very highly of me
so i should be a good kid
so i can think very highly of me, too
and know that you arent mistaken

You know that phrase

"If you murdered me, I'd worry about getting blood on your carpet"
Well
We both know you didn't exactly murder me
and I didn't exactly mind getting blood on your carpet

But then maybe
in the afterlife............
i'd see you and we would start talking about my new shoes
and eat chips and salsa and smile and in the end
it doesn't matter who murdered who or how much blood i got on your carpet
just matters that we're together again at all

and that's how i see it,
and that's why you're not alone

Somewhere inside

I'm dress shopping for promotion dance

Maybe

Jack was right
you're not the rivers,
at least not anymore
You're the wide brilliant sun
Such a prominant force in my world
It stretches everywhere and you're everywhere
It heats the trees and reflects of the clouds
onto the solid earth and back again
Everywhere
And you're beautiful

But you're a star and you're a million miles away,
so close but impossibly far
The only difference is,
My world doesn't revolve around you
At least not anymore

Well,

it's a war and I might just be winning
we might just be winning

I'm going

to learn how
to move on,
let go,

breathe

stay seated
stay together
expect the expected
and forgive the past,
rewrite the future

free myself of it once and for all
because i can't live on a pinpoint
can't balance on pipe dreams
and need to accept it all again

it's wednesday

and i'm wondering if waiting will work out

Where

did we come from
and where did we end up
and what goal did we reach?

it feels suspiciously similar to me

my arms?
someone's arms
love you

You

will leave, and I will miss you

just
"Remember to remember me,
standing still in your past.
Floating fast, like a hummingbird..."

The river's running dry
My sun is out of sight

"She's

always rushing on to the next thing
run run run run run"

Always has her hand on the doorknob before i'm out my my seat
always around the corner and down the stairs
before i even leave the room
run run
run run
run

can't explain why

i stop sometimes
and just cant breathe

Today

was the light at the end of my tunnel
and for once,
i didn't take that simple illumination for granted

Untangle

we're forever

because the thought of losing you terrifies me
because i need to see your face
because it's always been this way
because you need me too
because i'll hang on to you in whatever form works
for as long as i possibly can

Knew that

it meant something when i saw them blend

you're perfect to me
and it's trite and cheap and easy to say so
but i'm at a loss of how to show you
so i'll just say it and smile and try to be better,
so you can be better and we can be better
and i'm sorry

The reeling

And all at once I feel this
Oh, how it clings to me
It reels and calls me towards it
Confounding destiny

November

was scary,
wasn't it?

A while ago

I found something

it was small but it was persistant
and I watched it strive for life in dying sunlight
through the winter frost it sprouted still
and i watched it from afar
but objects in the mirror are closer than they appear
and this little bud is obviously unclear
of how its grown over the course of the year



It lines my clear blue sky
just as evident and vital as rose red rivers weaving through my stable brown earth
it's beautiful, isn't it
And sometimes i take it for granted ---
the singing of the birds who's feathers float gently everywhere
but i know it's there. How could I not?
It's emerald and remarkable and without it,
where would I be?

where would the birds sing?
If I have anything to be grateful for this year
it's the persistant little bud that lit up my world in
brilliant, heavenly green

We can

pick back up

and when we're done
laughing sobbing running climbing singing thrashing punching screaming living
lay your head on my shoulder,
close your eyes,
and i'll see you in the morning

your dad is making breakfast, right?

And so

you're virtually the only thing that ever gets to me
The only thing that ever reaches me to prick and prod,
cut and tear inside to the point of damp eyelashes
and an elephant on my chest

And maybe, i'll always remember how it hurt
always view it in a certain way,
always cringe a little inside when i see you smiling
But somehow, I know I forgive you
In all senses of the word
Because I understand the situation
And I see the girl you don't recognize
Which is quite the feat, I might add
I see her and she winks and then I'm back in Here and Now
and You and Her are not so different
Not too different
And I like both of you the same, anyway

And I know that I'm deep inside your heart upon a hill
By an odd lamp post and a tabby cat
And you have to understand something ---
I have minutes where I can't breathe and it still burns
moments with doubts and worries and that still burns
But normally, my clear blue sky has no bloody red
Normally, it's the exact hue of your eyes
and clouds dot it like freckles dapple your lovely face,
And I'm fine and together and I love you
Love you despite the pain laced where you hold my heart
Because it's a two way street,
and because, well,
what else is there for me but to love you?

I've looked. Nothing.

"When can we get together again?
Nevermind, I've lost you.

How can I tell if I love you anymore?
Nevermind, I know I do."

Ego Tripping

I was waiting on a moment
But the moment never came
All the billion other moments
We're just slipping all away
I must have been tripping
Just ego tripping

I was wanting you to love me
But your love it never came
All the other love around me
Was just wasting all away
I must have been tripping
Just ego tripping

I was waiting on a moment
But the moment never came
But the moment never came

Oh it does

deserve your time
If anything does,
this does

It's a rock in my stomach and a million little pins in the back of my head
it pulls at my hair and stains my perfect sky blue with bloody blotches of liquid red
and if you are worth my time
if after fucking everything you are still worth my time, somehow,
this is worth your time

even if its
this
fucking
stupid

I just realized

I used to be constantly cold
it was something I could count on - the icy touch of my fingers on my neck, the stark chill in my toes. Shivering my way to first period, clutching my core, searching for the warmth inside

Maybe blame it one the season, but
That feeling has passed... Unnoticed, it took a ghostly silent step out the door and it was replaced by a rewarding perpetual warmth. Stemming from inside my, glowing all around me, keeping me stable, content, and safe.

Spring's here, I guess. Everywhere

How

can i express it without saying it
How can I reach you without touching you
shaking you
How can you be there when you're not there
How can I deal?

you're forest green

oh forest green
Up past cities made of steam
Open up your head we found a secret

Don't know

if I ever told you,
but you're beautiful with black keds and blue eyes
in april sunshine, mid-afternoon
sandy brown hair, light freckles, cream skin...
just wanted you to know
its another reason i smile when i see you

I want to be

in a really cold park
with a glass river and black trees
at 2 in the morning

I want to wear sunglasses as evening breaks,
hold your head in my lap at a symphony in a pretty dress,
and cut out red paper hearts to pin to your wall

I want month old skittles and bittersweet mountain dew,
a tabby cat and too much makeup
I want the only person who's ever really seen me cry,
to see me cry

Because these days I'm often alone
and I want to return to having something to rely on
like a strawberry blonde girl in 6th period
and the sense of a phantom hand forever locked in mine

And I want to be with you

What color is your soul?

Oh

look at those colors
blue punching purple and sewing violin notes into my saturated skin
whining and wallowing and whispering violin chords into my blue red black white skin
lovely

the past in pictures
im laughing
the present has no such representation
just a heartbeat and a steady tick tock
its okay
im laughing

feels

less like limbo
and more like solid ground

and hazy dreams of vivid green trees
and a soft summer breeze and effortless ease
no longer feel like their from a different world

now that all the ice has melted,
it might just be very real, indeed
and it feels like love, i'll show you why

I love YOU and your autumn eyes and your prose,
your gentle courage and unshielded heavy heart
your smirk i'd know anywhere and teal and grey
love that you're the opposite side of the coin that's right when i'm wrong,
and i swear to god, you're so very strong, love that sorry was somehow enough
and i cant help but think there might be something more to grey than you think

I love YOU and your dancer legs and your comforting gaze
love your eyes of springtime and blue skies you have to work for
love that you're at the top of my list, love that you're a bar to reach
love that you guide me to lighter, brighter, taller, better
love that sunshine inside you that surrounds you and you glowwith it
your green growth like tall forests of unrelenting life inside
green, it's the color of healing, you're the color of healing

I love YOU and your summer skin and your freckled nose
your tears and your teeth, bony fingers and knobby knees
love the see-saw we sit on, love the conflicts we sift through
love that despite everything i still need you
and you need me too
i love the love that spells "everlasting",
like the blending of red and blue that connects me to you

i love you and i love me and i love this life i landed in,
and i know it's as perfect as every life before it

I'm goodness

and goodness is me
it's something to strive for
taking "integrity", dropping it, holding on
smiling a second longer, thinking farther,
saying tiny nice things because i know it makes a difference
this is like my daily goal
it's springtime mackenzie with blue nails and fresh perspective
i feel like its a nice direction to take
it already tops my past mentalities
that all, somehow, we're hyper focused on me alone
what's surprising though, is that it isn't difficult
at all
and with every "would you like me to..." and every "cute shoes!",
i feel a little lighter
all the drops of sorrow leftover,
every self-pity, every battle scar fades like weak stain
and is replaced by new clean summer skin and honestly open eyes

i would compare it to my dream of gliding through the sky
and skimming the earths surface with closed eyes, bathed in warmth
going anywhere at all with my brand new wing span,
just because i could
because i can
because i am

That shimmering blue

on our nails gives me hope, you know
like our wing rings like our blue eyes
like my old shirts looking better on you
so different we are, so different
but with our opposite hands intwined its nice to feel similarity

everlasting friend
that means forever
i'm pretty sure

war
hate
sadness
"double maxi pad with wings"

done being defensive

just.... use your words

talk

talk

talk

Good Birthday

Your purple flower's gone
sunflowers forgotten
But i've got a pretty dress and brownies and a necklace,
and i'll be just fine

more than fine

you'll be surprised,

she said,
as your solitude subsides

MORP

strike...
3, 4 5 10 15 50
im out

Identity

is maybe most important to me
Because It's a challenge
I'm always back to this place,
where I can't find my core
Where it's impossible to reconcile everything that lives in me....
Because red and blue are maybe too different to make purple

And i'm never to sure of anything
Never too sure

limbo

is a funny thing
and it's very boring
and I don't like this ambiguous existance lacking in extremes
and I don't like trying to locate myself under all this thick skin
all this busy busy busy
Don't like the way I worry about you
don't like the way you look at me
with absolutely nothing in your eyes
don't like the nothing that's between us
is there nothing inbetween us?

Us

Me is doing fine
Us is not
And I don't know what new blue Mackenzie will do about that

i have issues with

age
ambivalence
walls
society
honesty

also balance
also swimming.... shining
also breathing, thinking
also you and him and her and them

there

is always
fucking always
a way to fix it
you have to stand up and challenge yourself to find it
this is truth
if it wasn't, maybe I wouldn't be here typing it

dare you to move

stay where you are

yes,

i'm trying to let it go
but is there any easy way? it's the past
vital and perfect behind me
and i'm ignoring it daily
and every week or so it taps on my shoulder
and when i least expect it, it pulls me to the floor
and its shimmering and shining and it's blindingly beautiful
and i'm dizzy with the stress of purely seeing it

but i was ugly, then
and i didn't deserve such a gorgeous view of things
i shouldn't have been sitting on the sunshine,
wrapped up in the flawlessness
Because I truly believe I did nothing to really earn that
I've been through and through that, time and time again

And logically I can see that it's better
because I'm better
In the sense that if I ever deserved a perfect anything,
It would be now

You know, my days were numbered
I laughed and I was free and effortlessly happy,
and my days were numbered
Because all the pain I'd ever caused, all the tears with my name on them
we're building up in my future like a dam
looming invisibly over me while I saw nothing but clear skies
It's called karma and I had it coming,
my time would come

So the nice generous world let me live out my dwindling days
and exit with a bang, a sweet sorrowful respectful goodbye
But I would get what I deserved, there was plenty of time for that
And I got it
I got it and the proof is soaked in my skin, and its written on my face
it darkens my eyes and softens my smile
the change in me is evident, right to my core
and god, i'm different
aren't we all?

So here I am, "better"
Here I am, waiting
But I try to let it go am I'm beginning to wonder
if it's not ready to let go of me
And i'm wondering if old pictures will always have this awful effect on me
Seeing the perfection of a single moment will always floor me
With the beauty bursting out of the corners,
making it real again, concrete again

and I'm wondering what I can do to get to that girl staring back at me,
frozen in a moment and trapped in a snowglobe
a perfect world

I can always

be impressed with one thing at least
whether I'm sinking or floating
or just barely above the surface,
I'm always very capable at closing my eyes
and focusing only on the sunshine warming the water around me

slipping into my sheets for the night,
or noting the vital green of the springtime leaves
i've at least learned to appriciate
the little things

monday

is mild and managable
and i just burned a shitload of calories,
and what the hell, why am i in such a good mood??

sunday

and the sun's up
my head's spinning
and nothing is how it used to be

friday

and i'm "free"
I had a dream I was writing a poem
"Today, I won't let myself need you"
And crossed it out and put it down
even though I felt I was on to something

why

am i freezing?
why am i frozen?

wednesday

wallowing
my hands smell like morning for some reason
my heads heavy
and i get everything i deserve

I don't want

a reason to feel like this
and i'm fighting it but I still don't feel good
And now there's truthfully little difference between my perception and reality
because everywhere i look, something's broken
somethings bad
and somethings never going to be what it was
and i miss you
and i miss me, too
but mostly i miss the feeling that i'm the least sane in the room
but now i know we're all at the same level,
bouncing off each other negatively and eternally until we find a way to fix it
until i find a way to fix it

once or

twice a month?
aviators and that one teal sweater
a bird necklace, unruly bangs and fingernails painted
only one color, always
insensitive, irresponsible, sarcastic, merciless, harsh, tough, closed,
but happy. happy, laughing, exciting, up for anything, optimistic, confident, strong,
red
red, with a beautiful future and karma around the corner

long, straight hair
black toes and that one purple sweater
a heart-shaped locket full with blind hope that things might be better
blunt scars on both hips, and a very crowded bedroom wall
awkward fingers with poetry wrapped around them, reckless and willing
fingers that mixed wine with gatorade and held a half-finished.... fishing pole
emotional, intense, honest, feeling, blood-pulsing, destructive, nostalgic, loving and alive. alive, twisting, thinking, spiralling sprawling
purple
purple, with a handful of promises and legs ready to run

purple and red mixed
they blended
even with a summer apart, they locked together
for seemingly always

but maybe not always

and when love isnt ever enough something else is needed
something on my part, something on yours
and we both failed, just in different ways
and im not angry anymore, hopefully you arent guilty anymore
so lets go back to basics
and please, lets blend
i know we can blend

im dangerously

unaffected
the monster inside of me grows small
smaller....
and it misses you

Sorry

in too deep
no going back
you dont reach me

march 6

saturday's sunshine
a small interval of welcomed nothingness
and i can't even remember what obligations i face next

so i'll stop trying

dont misunderstand

me though,
i mean there are a lot, a lot of things about this year i'm not too happy about
and i have a lot, a lot of days where i wish i could go back
but these past 8 months i wouldnt trade for anything because they made the way i am now
and when i'm thinking clearly,
i love who i am now. i love 9th grade mackenzie
i love how i think of others now
i love that i've made up for my mistakes last year
i love how i'm nice now
i love how i'm not selfish
and when i am, i catch myself
i love that no matter how hurt, angry, and irrationally upset i am,
i can see past it and do the right thing
say the right things
and i love that i'm blue, not red
because red can be a very ugly color
make a note of that
blue has its faults too,
but if i had to compare the two, i'd choose blue
because i'd rather be unbalanced, grounded, and good
than perfect, selfish, and carefree

still

it all just makes me sad
still
sad
and i'm still fighting currents
taking one deep breath, two deep breaths
and i'm never quite swimming
and i'm never quite drowning
but i'm always above the waterline, for enough time
to convince myself i'll be alright

and it's not even stormy anymore
but somehow its still hard sometimes
i have days where i think i see shore,
and i have days where i dont even look
so what do i do on days like these
where im under too long
where i'm holding my breath
what can i do to make sure i "march forth?"
keep going keep living
i dont know

listen really quick
i had a scary thought the other day
so what if... parallel universes exist
and maybe there's one real one, and the others are illusions?
mirrors? what-ifs?
What if there are thousands and thousands
all dependant on which desicion i make? out of every choice i could possibly make, there's an entire universe for each one? in each one i'm different, everyone's different, everything changes

i thought:
maybe i did something
something completely unplanned and off track and cold steely wrong
something that was small, but momentus.
maybe i made a certain choice somewhere that set everything in motion

what if,
there's a universe parallel to this one in which highschool is what i wanted it to be? what you wanted it to be? a universe in which i not only existed by thrived? what if we all thrived? and together? what if everything went as it was supposed to originally?
where we werent all seperated, never lost ourselves along the way, never felt failure?

i thought just maybe, i was in the wrong universe
i thought maybe, i was the illusion, the mirror
and my entire world as it is now isnt even real?
because its all so wrong, it cant be the truth

think of the movies where someone goes back in time, changes something, and their future is different and fucked. where the course of time was somehow altered to throw everything off balance. somehow, everything is shifted and nothing is right
its impossibly wrong

that's how intense i feel about my life, since highschool began
i actually considered the idea in which i fucked up the space time continuum, and that's an explanation for my life as it is now
that i'm in a horribly altered parallel universe
that somewhere there is a happy, healthy, red mackenzie
with you three by her sides, locked together
with a full heart and a stable mind
and thats where i should be?

well,
if i am in a mirror world,
that would make a lot more sense than the idea that this was all actually meant to happen
that its not a mistake

it's tuesday

and i'm tumbling and towering
twisting and turning, tired and tense
tame, tangled, and at times terrified
talking too much about how there's too little time

but i'm trying

tomorrow's wednesday
and i'm wondering if waiting will work out
wishing that i had willpower to wake up
wanting nothing but wonderful, whispers of sleep
and watching as winter wilts and welcomes spring
as i'm still a Who in a Where asking
Why?

but whatever,
its a war and i might just be winning

Well

I might stumble, I might take a fall again




still missing you

a day of nothing

is still frustrating

um

has no one else but me updated since the 21st?
WHAT UP guys get with it
move it or lose it
get the lead out
UPDATE plz

Thurs.

one more tally mark,
one more check
3 days till spring and then....
then what?
it seems silly i guess to put so much faith into a month
but leaves will come back and the frost will slide off
and there'll be sun
that's what matters
sun
Because It's a pattern for me
I know in march, things get better
And once the last little bit of winter dissapates
i'll be free of this season forever
i'm better now, all that's left is the weather
clouds'll open and i'll shake it all off, move on
get on with the summer songs

thursday...... [x] check

Wednesday

is nondescript with a drop of clarity
left over from last night
a page in a book but i'm trying to tell myself
that this will all be significant someday
somehow,
somehow the sun will still be around
when i rise for thursday
rub my eyes, crack my bones
stretch my arms and leave with mom
to play the same games
retrace my steps

a day is a grain of sand from a mountain
far far away
i'm the bird, and today is another day

I woke up

to sunlight
and slid through the day like silk and water
easy as blinking, when i keep everything at an arm's length
and it's tuesday and i'm mentally skipping weeks ahead
looking for landmarks
when really i know i'm cheating myself out of Now
But i'm new mackenzie and I don't really care
because if life isn't a flawless soap bubble
i don't have to be one either
pop, , , , ,
lets get real

Tuesday

I'm a bear
I'm a calm collected independant force-to-be-reckoned-with easy-going protective strong smarter-then-the-average
Bear
That never changed
I'm happy to realize that

wait for the future

In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before, long long, long ago.
But I'm still trying to make my mind up, am I free or am I tied up?

okay jack,
you said saskia was a colt,
hmm maybe
you said savannah was a sparrow,
agreed....
And you're a wolf
absolutely

so what am I?

it

smells like monday
and tastes like morning
i want some coffee and some hope

Oh how

the tables have turned!
but where are we now?

Well I'm in Language. LIbrary \\ Timmeee
fun
I'm paranoid about getting in trouble or whatever though
this probably wouldve been blocked at aprende
hmmmm

nothing to report
except that i'm sorry
this time it counts though
because i actually had to live through it myself

Well

I'm sitting here on Saturday ignoring responsibility feeling tired, ugly, awful
after all night with no sleep and a 6 hour nap. Isn't that literal definition of being nocturnal?

I'm sure I could find something interesting to talk about, but it's definitely something i've talked about before. I really don't want to mull over the past anymore. I just want it to finally settle into being The Past. Thinking about it incessently doesn't make it feel like it's over for good. But I've always been like that with my memories. I've never fully comprehended that they're over, for real. Forever. I always think that if I try hard enough, remember well enough, I can always go back if only for a little while. But remembering is really all I have and it loses its color, loses the sharpness. Diludes until it's nothing but an ache in my stomach, a core tangible emotion that overrides all others, and a souvenir that exists only to prove that at some point it was real, and it certainly felt like forever then.

And now we're here. In the present.
Here we are, in 9th grade
and if nothing else, I can say it's definitely made a name for itself,
and I won't be forgetting it soon

today

i admitted something to a small group of strangers that i can't even admit on this blog
still not sure how i feel about this

i hATE

WHEN I can so blatently see the STUpiditY around me
where everything strikes me as ridiculous because i'm way overtired
i wanna sinnnnnkkkk
into my sheets and sleep
for wwweeeeeeks

i read a book about depression today
it bored me
i hate a lot of french fries
and gave hannah dirty looks
because she's annoying as fuck
and gooodddd im getting into that mood where i suddenly hate everyone
it's the worst
and if i don't stop now i will say some things i will regret


go away anger gooo aawwaayay

So,

strike two? for... high school dances?
of course it had its pros and cons
pros like seeing jack and paine, seeing savannah and wearing a pretty dress
cons like everything else I don't care to explain
but seeing sterling on the verge of tears because stephanie petre screwed him over....
sympathy not warrented
do people really get this worked up about dances like these?
i mean, its not like i'm above it. i don't have anything better to do
more like, i'd rather do nothing than do this
because i just don't care about highschool
and I wish i could make myself care,
but the ways i've changed?
well, now i'm an awkward dancer,
and highschool is "not my scene."

I guess somewhere along the line, that's the one thing that ever really divided us
from that point on, everything just fell into place

Perfect

Well

I was on the right track?
Why do I keep misplacing my purpose.... I knew it was there.
I knew I wanted to be something specific. I know I had goals.
But I fall into the ease of my habits and I continue without any remorse
And I'm guilty of it, too

For everything he lectured us on
And I'm guilty, and perhaps even more at fault
Because I know better
Because I know the correct answer before I even ask the question
and I know I should stand up for what I truly,
honestly,
sincerely without hesitation
beleive. But I take a deep breath and I hold my toungue
avert my eyes, look away
I might even contribute to it, on a bad day
or, maybe everyday

But I need to stop relying on outside forces to remind me of what's right
Because I know better

God, I want to be good enough
Good enough dancer, good enough friend
good enough person, good enough student,
good enough daughter, good enough for him, her, and all of them
Mostly?
Good enough for myself

IN

satiable

I don't know, it's complicated

why does every relationship that counts have to be such a mess?
That's a stupid question, of course
If it's worth it, it will be messy
"If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love"
Yeah yeah
I guess it could be messier
But each unique connection with a person is a mess in it's own way
And they each hve their own little twist,
but their all caused by the same things
seperation, lack of communication....
etc., etc........

Night

So

I've checked blogger about 5 times today and I whine everytime I see nobody's updated
So i'm deciding to update in order to avoid being a hypocrite....
I'm all tense again
I'm so not falling asleep anytime soon
I want Saskia to have her phone so she can text me
And I want Jack to reply
And I want to know what's going on with everybody
Because when nothing is going on with you,
nothing is going on with me

this girl

is trapped/free
red/blue
down/up
graceful/awkward
calm/nervous
and she is making progress

Grey Blue Friday

and you still don't know everything

Hey you

it feels great to be alright with you
no complaints on you're front, you're my shining little start again
that's refreshing huh?
maybe this could work out after all

It was a sky blue thursday
i mean, i'm ignoring the shadows
because they're irritating!
so the daily shit, i threw on the floor
I realize that it really shouldn't be this hard
do normal people function like this?
But I'm pretending it's just a typical thing
because i'm learning how to deal and I like that
a lot

At least, now, I can see my targets;
my problems and bullshit
and I can aim, shhhhoot
eventually i'll get some bullseyes for sure

but today? i'll do the dishes, work on my new playlist, do my homework
and sleep

oh,

fuck off

I am

such a jem in dance class
smiling futtering blushing cute little thing
glowing, for some reason
sky sky sky blue

I am such a ghost in the morning
stoic silent quiet sleepy serious thing
frozen, for some reason
grey grey grey blue

I am such a mess at night
figdeting fussing bundle-of-nerves
nervous gnawing hopeless free falling slippery thing
Burning, for some reason
dark dark dark blue
deep deep deep blue
blood blood blood blue

true blue,
all through

I'm

unlocked
and I want everyone to know my blueprints
broken itching twitching laughing easy free better,
ugly hiding dishonest skipping missing hitting mess
no secrets

Living

Breathing Laughing, Vital

And am I still a shell?
Because I don't take pictures
Because I twist and fuss in my sleep,
Because I'm just dying for you to call me
And just a user of people, of places, or things

It could be that I want to talk to you,
or it could be that I don't want to stand alone
and have it be clear how many miles away from the human race I truly am
It could be, that I'm happy
It could be that I'm confident
How temporary, yet consistant
For an hour a day, I'm up up up
But I stay home on saturday nights and I watch my friends blaze by
in the glimmer of their lives
while I'm still asleep and I don't mind it,
a ghost of a girl and I don't mind it

Because I used to live
with time cleary marked and my heart on my sleeve
Landmarks like Her eyes, my music, his sadness, red balloons, red trucks, red purpose, red lights, red ruin, vital burning red
And now with a shallow breathe and a boring beat I'm
blue shadows, a blue coat, and blue sleep

I don't think i'll ever wake up,
because I think the sun's far past set.

-----

"It is imperative that you tell me when I take things too far. I will tend to get tangled in my words. I never know which is worse, knowing what to say or what not to say. But if my words drifted away in silence and all that was left were facial expressions and reactions then all the complications would go away. There are no infidelities in human reactions. But in words there are lies. It’s easy to lie with your words but not in physical actions. So I’ll sit here trying to make sense of who we really are. Are we all liars? Do we fall as one or in isolation? When is it that we bring everyone down with us? This could all go on for a lifetime. But this paragraph ends with a question. Who are we all?"

Who would I be without you?

Today

jack told me it was going to be a great day
and, it was

I'm the coolest out of "those girls"
I know I can kill louboutins
alone or not
I'm taking psychology in junior year,
and i feel like spring is on its way.......

tomorrow is friday,
i will get out of bed
I will joke
i will dance
i will smile and i will focus only on
the impending sunshine
that will most definitely
be blue

"I should warn you
When I'm not well
I can't tell
Oh, there's nothing I can do
To make this easier for you

You're gonna need to be patient with me

I'm this apple, this happening stone
When I'm alone
Oh, but my blessings get so blurred
At the sound of your words

I'm gonna need you to be patient with me

How can I warn you when my tongue turns to dust
Like we've discussed
It doesn't mean that I don't care
It means I'm partially there

You're gonna need to be patient with me"

WHY

cant i go to sleep when i want to?
its sick and twisted that i'm most tired 20 minutes before i have to spring to life
fuck

everyone fails

you have to know that all that's ever functional is you
and your ability to kick yourself when your down
and I'm not judging, not chastizing
I'm praising...... empathizing
Because when the lights go out I'm the same girl
the same girl who sits on her bed and thinks about her people
the people. The ones who surround her, interconnecting, breaking off
conjoining and weaving under and over one another into a twisted chain of unbreakable ties
that all lead back to her
me
how they fail, how they triumph
how theyre better, or worse than me
what's enviable and what certainly isn't
and which bits and pieces I want to be part of this strange combination that defines the person I am
And I'm the one who had to learn that in the end
just because they're in the bottom of my heart
doesnt mean they're in the palm of my hand
and a certain distance must be kept, because
everyone fails
especially me
and since i cant close my eyes, breath, and be gone
I have to deal with this truth

we all do

Last time

I swear
no more blog name changing

Today was fine..... I smile a lot at times and I make sure to notice it
So obviously, I'm enjoying my day somehow
I want to make my journal cooler
How is this possible, I know
But I think I can do it
"I want to crawl into a hole and never come out"
Ha ha ha ha__________--- me too!
Lovely day

Tomorrow is a half day
Yay,
and it's supposed to rain.......... I'm not excited, so much
I was last week before it rained for like 60 hours straight
So obviously this post is going nowhere.....
Well oh well oh well

I'm blue sunshine
sunshine sunshine
Surrounded by a sea
Of BRIGHT BLUE
bright bright
Bluuuuuu<><>><>

I swear

I'm done renaming my blog
Oh, and blue is my favorite color

BRIGHT
Blluuuueee

So, I still miss

walking to school with a blaring iPod,
3 best friends,
a nutrigrain bar,
and an easy calm

God,

all i want to do is stay in my house and never leave,
sleep 23 hours a day,
and be a hermit
is that okay?
is that too much?

or do i really have to participate in this planet and actually be a part of its spinning
I'd really rather not
i dont want to do anything
can i just stay home please

fuck

hehehehehe

Well

nothing's perfect

God it's sad

that i don't think you even realize it,
but it's easy to see
and the distance has never felt so evident
our "talks" never more meaningless
because actions still speak louder than words...
on both our parts
and its both our fault,
and at the same time, neither of our faults

because in the end it's all about how everything happens for a reason
and its about my metaphor with the wheels that spin but only touch once,
about how the spheres of our lives were connected, maybe even conjoined
and now theyre splitting faster than even we can see
and the worst part is, we can see it

and it still makes my fingers cold and it still makes me sick, yeah
and I can say I don't care, but I still do
but I don't want anything than to be able to rub salt in the wounds and freeze them shut forever

But you're still there
with your freckles i've memorized and your chopped sunshine hair,
matching clothes and pink toenails that give a physical representation of the transformation that's painfully clear on its own.
And We'll pretend like nothings happening
you're healthy,
i'm happy,
we're fine

But the truth is,
you don't need me
and I know you've told me different
but it doesn't matter, because its the truth

and I guess after 6 months,
I can finally handle that.

I need you

to never, ever
assume you know
what is going on inside my head

And I will practice the same unto you. I'll try my best not to judge you on swift stunted words on this little website
And judge you solely on your actions and what you want me to know.
But I need you to know
That You
Have
No
Idea

You mightv'e, months ago
But not now,
You lost that sense, misplaced that key,
FORGOT PASSWORD?
Yep.

You don't know. So don't assume you do.
Clear? Okay
Now

Disappear from my mind
goodbye
goodbye
goodbye

I can't tell you

I cannot tell you
how much. I. Love.

n o t c a r i n g

Life is hard, but so am I,
I've got novacaine for my soul

An icy exoskeleton,
two frozen eyes

I'm strong
Goodbye

Mwah! <3

Wow

No. No.
Highschool dances are out of my realm
and I'm not a teenager. Probably never will be
Despite my efforts....
Didn't expect to have a meltdown though

Why can't it just work, ever?

YES

Maybe

It's that I'm accepting my flaws --
that I'm awkward, angry, and more often than not, apathetic
But instead of building a "new me" like I wanted
It's better to just take the old parts, and add to them
So yeah, I'm a little depressive
and maybe melodramatic
and totally contradictory
Then again, fun, funny... fun-loving
I can be sunshine, and I can be the darkest day
But perhaps it's a strength as opposed to a weakness

But the victory is in the changes:
I'm more forgiving, less judgemental
I'm more adventurous, less guarded
I'm even improving my social skills!

The point is that with every step I take
I'm more and more me
and less and less afraid
And as long as I can do that,
I'm complacent, calm, and more than grateful.

Hi, I'm Mackenzie.
I'm an aries, a moon type person, and a healthier 8
I'm open, blunt, and unafraid
and about some things, I just don't care
I'm happier and easier but still so scarred
and I embrace it all. I'm 14 million miles from sane,
and that's perfectly fine with me.

I'm working on happy

I'm busy

and my brain is tangled
and i'm taking risks
and going to that dance, and getting in that car...
stepping out of the lines I drew myself
I don't want to be School, homework, bed, repeat anymore
and I won't be
and it's scary
and my "cancer rising" want to creep back to the beginning and sit at home all day long,
my inertia is powerful and I'm yerning for the comfort of my normal routine
yes, the one that contributed to misery
it's a catch 22 -- Be horribly low, be secure doing it?
But I will do it
I will do it
And I
Will achieve

hey you

i'm made of breakdowns
you're never alone
never

Though its forgiven

its still irritating

irritating that we didn't understand eachother for a MINUTE
because we were so wrapped up in ourselves
while in reality, we shouldve understood eachother effortlessly
because we knew eachothers roles so well...

How I could NOT know where you were coming from?
I spent months in your shoes, just a year ago
How could you treat me like I treated you,
when I was on top, and you we're drowning?

Was it really that easy to forget all those scars?
was it really so hard to remember how difficult sympathy is?
you shoulve known, i shouldve known

but its over now
and it doesnt matter
but did it ever really matter?

Well,

school tomorrow
im looking towards a week filled with highschool bullshit that I should care about
Want to care about
but just don't, in the end

Hahahaha,
I want to move to the moon and hide

Information

Is it weird that I have to make myself be invested in a conversation? I think it is. I think it's weird that I have an autopilot tailored to the people I have to talk to; those other human beings that I have to interact with. Don't get me wrong, it isn't ALL the time that I do this. Maybe like 60-70% of the time?

Even if I'm remotely interested in what your saying. It's just, its a habit. I understand how I could've gotten used to offering nothing, no dialogue of my own. Instead, just letting the person run on, pressing all the right buttons along the way to keep their words flowing.... Letting them tell their stories because I know they don't want to hear mine. So instead, I let them beleive I want to hear theirs. Everybody wins this way.... in the short-term. You feel validated, I only have to use minimal effort. I've created many short-cuts for myself, ways to cheat, skip, glide dimly through life... Only recently have I relaized that this, truly, is beneficial to no one.

But it's a habit. And I'm giving my best to break it. To break all my bad habits.
But, I slip.

You could help, if you wanted to. Just bug me about it until I tell you everything that's on my mind. Or at the least tell me that you want to know. The rest is my responsibilty anyway.

Yeah, tonight I feel like talking.

I hate winter. Everything's dead. Trees are gray, air is dry... everywhere you look, things are frostbitten and defeated by the weather. The worst part is we don't even have the fluffy snow to make up for everything else. Sorry, I'm complaining, but I feel like expressing this. My coat makes my hair staticy and it's covered in dog hair...

I wish Jack went to corona. I've never really taken the time to imagine how different everything might be. Might've been. If the story would have changed, events shifted. What kind of impact would he have made?
I like to think it would be a big one. I don't know what, but things just wouldv'e happened differently.

I want to be better. I really do want to be friendlier, nicer, and just better. I'm torn between my own laziness and what has to be done. Am I scared? I don't know. Probably. But god, I need to get over it. I already know this, too. It's a problem. Weak spot. Whatever, I'm made of weak spots. Bruises, painted over, invisble, pathetic... Stupid. More pathetic that I'm still whining about my own self-pity in a blog. Pity is the wrong word... Pity implies sympathy.

But enough negative, I'm driving in circles. It's so easy to repeat myself. Easy is the word of the week, I guess.

Okay well I'm home alone, my feet are cold, and I don't like not knowing where you are. Mom's house, Dad's house, the park, the stable, Europe, the mall, the movies, with your boyfriend, social circle, your self, your pets....
We should talk tonight...
All of you. All of us

ttfn omg

Why does no one ever update their blogs?

God

get over it
and make things happen

(....directed to self........)

savannah I loved both your journals
jack tell me what your blog title means
saskia teell mee whhenn we can hang out

That goes for all of you though
I need to hang out with all of you
haha I just couldnt think of anything else i want sask to do and I want to tell her
;) ;) ;) ;)

savannah
sleepover
SOOn

Ssssokay?
Good

Minimal sleep in three days

kills my mood
i'm wondering if I can push it
see how tired I can get, see how sore my muscles can be,
see how late I can be for math, see how many resolutions I can break,
see how many lies I can justify, see how many promises I can retract,
see how many times I can say, "fine"
See how far I can go
Press my limits

Oh yeah, I'm sorry
I forgot for a moment that I was passed all that

Whatever mackenzie, I'm still not crazy about you
There is no try, there is only do and do not...........

Hi

I'm mackenzie.... I'm an aries, a moon-type person, and probably an unhealthy 8
well, sometimes healthy
I hate excersise and I like my comfort zone
and I'm still making mistakes
and I'm still trying to forgive myself for old ones
and I'm tired
and I'm not ready for the real world

In my dream

I was flying, and I had my eyes closed
I flew real close to the ground.... my hair barely skimming the earth
and everything around me was warm,
and I was at peace
Because I was safe, because I knew I wouldn't hit a single tree
And I didn't.

This feels important

I won't hit a single tree
Deep breathe, eyes closed, warm smile

I
will
be
fine


And I am. Finally.

Okay, be angry

go ahead, you've earned it
but you'll see what I mean

found this

liked it

Will you

please give me a break?
Just be patient.... please be patient for me
I'm still working out my flaws, calculating my plans.
Don't be so eager to lose faith in me
because you don't understand that I do want to make this better,
make this work
It's a new year,
a new girl
so you're just going to have to give me a new start