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Is it weird that I have to make myself be invested in a conversation? I think it is. I think it's weird that I have an autopilot tailored to the people I have to talk to; those other human beings that I have to interact with. Don't get me wrong, it isn't ALL the time that I do this. Maybe like 60-70% of the time?

Even if I'm remotely interested in what your saying. It's just, its a habit. I understand how I could've gotten used to offering nothing, no dialogue of my own. Instead, just letting the person run on, pressing all the right buttons along the way to keep their words flowing.... Letting them tell their stories because I know they don't want to hear mine. So instead, I let them beleive I want to hear theirs. Everybody wins this way.... in the short-term. You feel validated, I only have to use minimal effort. I've created many short-cuts for myself, ways to cheat, skip, glide dimly through life... Only recently have I relaized that this, truly, is beneficial to no one.

But it's a habit. And I'm giving my best to break it. To break all my bad habits.
But, I slip.

You could help, if you wanted to. Just bug me about it until I tell you everything that's on my mind. Or at the least tell me that you want to know. The rest is my responsibilty anyway.

Yeah, tonight I feel like talking.

I hate winter. Everything's dead. Trees are gray, air is dry... everywhere you look, things are frostbitten and defeated by the weather. The worst part is we don't even have the fluffy snow to make up for everything else. Sorry, I'm complaining, but I feel like expressing this. My coat makes my hair staticy and it's covered in dog hair...

I wish Jack went to corona. I've never really taken the time to imagine how different everything might be. Might've been. If the story would have changed, events shifted. What kind of impact would he have made?
I like to think it would be a big one. I don't know what, but things just wouldv'e happened differently.

I want to be better. I really do want to be friendlier, nicer, and just better. I'm torn between my own laziness and what has to be done. Am I scared? I don't know. Probably. But god, I need to get over it. I already know this, too. It's a problem. Weak spot. Whatever, I'm made of weak spots. Bruises, painted over, invisble, pathetic... Stupid. More pathetic that I'm still whining about my own self-pity in a blog. Pity is the wrong word... Pity implies sympathy.

But enough negative, I'm driving in circles. It's so easy to repeat myself. Easy is the word of the week, I guess.

Okay well I'm home alone, my feet are cold, and I don't like not knowing where you are. Mom's house, Dad's house, the park, the stable, Europe, the mall, the movies, with your boyfriend, social circle, your self, your pets....
We should talk tonight...
All of you. All of us

ttfn omg