Good Birthday

Your purple flower's gone
sunflowers forgotten
But i've got a pretty dress and brownies and a necklace,
and i'll be just fine

more than fine

you'll be surprised,

she said,
as your solitude subsides

MORP

strike...
3, 4 5 10 15 50
im out

Identity

is maybe most important to me
Because It's a challenge
I'm always back to this place,
where I can't find my core
Where it's impossible to reconcile everything that lives in me....
Because red and blue are maybe too different to make purple

And i'm never to sure of anything
Never too sure

limbo

is a funny thing
and it's very boring
and I don't like this ambiguous existance lacking in extremes
and I don't like trying to locate myself under all this thick skin
all this busy busy busy
Don't like the way I worry about you
don't like the way you look at me
with absolutely nothing in your eyes
don't like the nothing that's between us
is there nothing inbetween us?

Us

Me is doing fine
Us is not
And I don't know what new blue Mackenzie will do about that

i have issues with

age
ambivalence
walls
society
honesty

also balance
also swimming.... shining
also breathing, thinking
also you and him and her and them

there

is always
fucking always
a way to fix it
you have to stand up and challenge yourself to find it
this is truth
if it wasn't, maybe I wouldn't be here typing it

dare you to move

stay where you are

yes,

i'm trying to let it go
but is there any easy way? it's the past
vital and perfect behind me
and i'm ignoring it daily
and every week or so it taps on my shoulder
and when i least expect it, it pulls me to the floor
and its shimmering and shining and it's blindingly beautiful
and i'm dizzy with the stress of purely seeing it

but i was ugly, then
and i didn't deserve such a gorgeous view of things
i shouldn't have been sitting on the sunshine,
wrapped up in the flawlessness
Because I truly believe I did nothing to really earn that
I've been through and through that, time and time again

And logically I can see that it's better
because I'm better
In the sense that if I ever deserved a perfect anything,
It would be now

You know, my days were numbered
I laughed and I was free and effortlessly happy,
and my days were numbered
Because all the pain I'd ever caused, all the tears with my name on them
we're building up in my future like a dam
looming invisibly over me while I saw nothing but clear skies
It's called karma and I had it coming,
my time would come

So the nice generous world let me live out my dwindling days
and exit with a bang, a sweet sorrowful respectful goodbye
But I would get what I deserved, there was plenty of time for that
And I got it
I got it and the proof is soaked in my skin, and its written on my face
it darkens my eyes and softens my smile
the change in me is evident, right to my core
and god, i'm different
aren't we all?

So here I am, "better"
Here I am, waiting
But I try to let it go am I'm beginning to wonder
if it's not ready to let go of me
And i'm wondering if old pictures will always have this awful effect on me
Seeing the perfection of a single moment will always floor me
With the beauty bursting out of the corners,
making it real again, concrete again

and I'm wondering what I can do to get to that girl staring back at me,
frozen in a moment and trapped in a snowglobe
a perfect world

I can always

be impressed with one thing at least
whether I'm sinking or floating
or just barely above the surface,
I'm always very capable at closing my eyes
and focusing only on the sunshine warming the water around me

slipping into my sheets for the night,
or noting the vital green of the springtime leaves
i've at least learned to appriciate
the little things

monday

is mild and managable
and i just burned a shitload of calories,
and what the hell, why am i in such a good mood??

sunday

and the sun's up
my head's spinning
and nothing is how it used to be

friday

and i'm "free"
I had a dream I was writing a poem
"Today, I won't let myself need you"
And crossed it out and put it down
even though I felt I was on to something

why

am i freezing?
why am i frozen?

wednesday

wallowing
my hands smell like morning for some reason
my heads heavy
and i get everything i deserve

I don't want

a reason to feel like this
and i'm fighting it but I still don't feel good
And now there's truthfully little difference between my perception and reality
because everywhere i look, something's broken
somethings bad
and somethings never going to be what it was
and i miss you
and i miss me, too
but mostly i miss the feeling that i'm the least sane in the room
but now i know we're all at the same level,
bouncing off each other negatively and eternally until we find a way to fix it
until i find a way to fix it

once or

twice a month?
aviators and that one teal sweater
a bird necklace, unruly bangs and fingernails painted
only one color, always
insensitive, irresponsible, sarcastic, merciless, harsh, tough, closed,
but happy. happy, laughing, exciting, up for anything, optimistic, confident, strong,
red
red, with a beautiful future and karma around the corner

long, straight hair
black toes and that one purple sweater
a heart-shaped locket full with blind hope that things might be better
blunt scars on both hips, and a very crowded bedroom wall
awkward fingers with poetry wrapped around them, reckless and willing
fingers that mixed wine with gatorade and held a half-finished.... fishing pole
emotional, intense, honest, feeling, blood-pulsing, destructive, nostalgic, loving and alive. alive, twisting, thinking, spiralling sprawling
purple
purple, with a handful of promises and legs ready to run

purple and red mixed
they blended
even with a summer apart, they locked together
for seemingly always

but maybe not always

and when love isnt ever enough something else is needed
something on my part, something on yours
and we both failed, just in different ways
and im not angry anymore, hopefully you arent guilty anymore
so lets go back to basics
and please, lets blend
i know we can blend

im dangerously

unaffected
the monster inside of me grows small
smaller....
and it misses you

Sorry

in too deep
no going back
you dont reach me

march 6

saturday's sunshine
a small interval of welcomed nothingness
and i can't even remember what obligations i face next

so i'll stop trying

dont misunderstand

me though,
i mean there are a lot, a lot of things about this year i'm not too happy about
and i have a lot, a lot of days where i wish i could go back
but these past 8 months i wouldnt trade for anything because they made the way i am now
and when i'm thinking clearly,
i love who i am now. i love 9th grade mackenzie
i love how i think of others now
i love that i've made up for my mistakes last year
i love how i'm nice now
i love how i'm not selfish
and when i am, i catch myself
i love that no matter how hurt, angry, and irrationally upset i am,
i can see past it and do the right thing
say the right things
and i love that i'm blue, not red
because red can be a very ugly color
make a note of that
blue has its faults too,
but if i had to compare the two, i'd choose blue
because i'd rather be unbalanced, grounded, and good
than perfect, selfish, and carefree

still

it all just makes me sad
still
sad
and i'm still fighting currents
taking one deep breath, two deep breaths
and i'm never quite swimming
and i'm never quite drowning
but i'm always above the waterline, for enough time
to convince myself i'll be alright

and it's not even stormy anymore
but somehow its still hard sometimes
i have days where i think i see shore,
and i have days where i dont even look
so what do i do on days like these
where im under too long
where i'm holding my breath
what can i do to make sure i "march forth?"
keep going keep living
i dont know

listen really quick
i had a scary thought the other day
so what if... parallel universes exist
and maybe there's one real one, and the others are illusions?
mirrors? what-ifs?
What if there are thousands and thousands
all dependant on which desicion i make? out of every choice i could possibly make, there's an entire universe for each one? in each one i'm different, everyone's different, everything changes

i thought:
maybe i did something
something completely unplanned and off track and cold steely wrong
something that was small, but momentus.
maybe i made a certain choice somewhere that set everything in motion

what if,
there's a universe parallel to this one in which highschool is what i wanted it to be? what you wanted it to be? a universe in which i not only existed by thrived? what if we all thrived? and together? what if everything went as it was supposed to originally?
where we werent all seperated, never lost ourselves along the way, never felt failure?

i thought just maybe, i was in the wrong universe
i thought maybe, i was the illusion, the mirror
and my entire world as it is now isnt even real?
because its all so wrong, it cant be the truth

think of the movies where someone goes back in time, changes something, and their future is different and fucked. where the course of time was somehow altered to throw everything off balance. somehow, everything is shifted and nothing is right
its impossibly wrong

that's how intense i feel about my life, since highschool began
i actually considered the idea in which i fucked up the space time continuum, and that's an explanation for my life as it is now
that i'm in a horribly altered parallel universe
that somewhere there is a happy, healthy, red mackenzie
with you three by her sides, locked together
with a full heart and a stable mind
and thats where i should be?

well,
if i am in a mirror world,
that would make a lot more sense than the idea that this was all actually meant to happen
that its not a mistake

it's tuesday

and i'm tumbling and towering
twisting and turning, tired and tense
tame, tangled, and at times terrified
talking too much about how there's too little time

but i'm trying

tomorrow's wednesday
and i'm wondering if waiting will work out
wishing that i had willpower to wake up
wanting nothing but wonderful, whispers of sleep
and watching as winter wilts and welcomes spring
as i'm still a Who in a Where asking
Why?

but whatever,
its a war and i might just be winning

Well

I might stumble, I might take a fall again




still missing you