didn't turn my life around. Not yet.
I feel like doing something way drastic. That isn't new, but it's this nagging desire.... Like I want to just implode and come out of it something new. Right now all I am is damaged goods.... A little girl in a place she doesn't want to be in. My brain is miles away from my body, only present in a physical sense. I'm on autopilot. And I have absolutely nothing substantial to say.
All I have is the memories and the pessimism for the future. It's bizarre to live so close to something, and be so far away from it. Aprende is sitting outside my door but it's an entire different world. If only I could fix it all and make it right again, I could walk right up the path and sit at the plasstic lunch table like nothing ever happened. It feels like I should be doing that any day now. That's how temporary my current like seems to me. Like I'm just on a horrible trip and homes just a plane ride away.
And before you tell me yourself, let me say it for you. I know. I know that change happens and whether we want to or not we have to accept it. And if not accept it, go insane. I know that this is good and big and better and I'm going to learn so much and meet so many people, yeah yeah yeah. I know that this is a new chapter, A "Journey," and I know that "Everything Will Be Fine."
And I know No One Said It Would Be Easy. I know that Life Is A Jump Rope.
But what if I'm done being mature? What if I'm done doing the right thing, being the right person? All you have to do is cut the strings and I swear I'll sink. I'll just let go, because now there's no one I would dissapoint more than myself. So try me, and i'll lose it. I want to be done caring. I don't want to stick around and wait for the good to come along. I know it's naive to say that last year was as good as it will get. But it's really easy to just say that I don't care. And maybe I could be the type of person who does things the easy way.
So, yeah, I will be a child about this. And for now, that's okay.
Goodnight and goodbye. Welcome to Freshman Mackenzie: Part 1.
