Hey

100 posts for the new year
woooo woo woow owwowoowow

I think

I only have one true new years resolution
only one that really matters to me the most...
or maybe just my most important

It's just to put every piece together
live in harmony with every facet of myself
in that, i'll take control of my life and become who i want to be

And yes i'm sure I could list it out as goals. Steps, to help along the way
Maybe I will
But if I keep that in mind, nothing can go too wrong.Yeah, I think i'll write it out

P.S.....

Torey Bocker called me yesterday crying
and I felt nothing but sympathy

so.... kudos for me

Again, with the enneagram thing

why does it upset me so much that I can't just have a type?
Everytime I take that stupid test I get mixed, various results
I can't even answer the questions, because I'm unsure of the answers

how about I must be sure of the answers to be happy? Is there a type for that?

Well

I'm having a hard time accepting that just because i'm not unhappy anymore, it doesn't mean that I suddenly have a flawless grasp on who I am like I used to.
Yeah, I was wrong, and mean, and self-centered, and judgemental....
but at least I knew it. Knew myself.

Do you prefer the new mackenzie or the old one?
It's probably not possible to say yet.
But I wanna make sure you know them both very well.

Enneagram tests stress me out

I don't like how my level of distress depends so little on my outside enviroment.
I'm so dangerously introverted in ways, ways that make it so it's completely possible for me to truly exist in my head.
to consider myself when i'm alone, and around others, practically two different people. That's something I would like to change.
But changing that feels impossible somehow.

I used to be able to exist in my world. I used to be the same consistant person through and through... And I'm guessing it's just because of my powerlessness towards my immidiate enviroment that causes me to be at such a loss of identity in social situations versus when i'm alone. But in my past, I was so comfortable in my life and enviroment because i'd created it all. I belonged in it so thouroughly because I had such control over it. So I guess I wasn't as independant as I thought? Well I know that now. I've recognized that.

I've recognized a lot of things that I thought to be true about myself to surprise me by not being true at all. That all my perceptions of past events were thouroughly flawed, self-serving, and crude.

Now, my very core problem is this: Since I've seemingly learned so much about myself -- past, present, and future -- I want to be able to keep the good parts of myself from the past, and blend them with everything i've learned in the present. How can I do that when the two sides seem so contrary? How could I possibly find a balance in that?

How do I find balance?
How do I find security?

I need to do yoga or something I worry way too much for my own good

Now how is it

That everything is parallel?
That when you fall, I fall,
and when I'm fixed, you're fixed?

Is everything really that connected?


I love you Savannah, I love you Saskia, I love you Jack
You are
it for me

All there is

is sunshine
all i can see is sunshine
sunshine sunshine

If you put a few pieces in the puzzle,
maybe fill in the outline,
it because suddenly too easy for all the other pieces to fall into place
one by one everything becomes so clear, so brilliant,
and im better now than i've ever been
i have paid my dues,
and felt my old mistakes

So.... I win
I win the game,

I won,
and I'm on top where nothing can touch me