I can't

do another day

It's a strange kind of peace

knowing nobody could hate you more than you yourself
nobody could think of a better insult,
a better name to call you,
you've thought of them all.
Nobody can bring you down further, dissapoint you more,
nobody could be more angry at you than you yourself are
And I know that I should still try to be better, if not for myself than for others
but I can't make myself promise to do that.
But I like the fact that I won't let the hate escape the source
because nobody deserves it but me
simply because i can't hate others if, by default, they're already better than me.
By my judgement.

So next time you think of something really good,
tell me to my face.
Tell me why I haven't had a boyfriend in a year, by your perception
tell me I'm a "fat whore"
Tell me I'm a bitch,
an ungrateful, horrible person
but look into my eyes while you do it

I want you to.
and I will have absolutely nothing negative to respond with.
I will literally feel no animosity towards you.
None.

I've finally learned where to direct the hatred.
and it's comforting

I can't

push it away anymore!
it's happened, it's molded, it's permenate. It's real
i can't pretend it doesn't exist, and i can't put it away for the people around me
putting on a mask, so i can make them stay
no, they'll just get the beast now.
yeah it's honest, but i don't care
who wants to be honest about this?

not even in dance class, the ultimate distraction. not at any given time,
not at school like i used to
"ITS LIKE I'M DEAD" right? well
despite your carelessness in that comment, you hit me right where it hurts
right on the head. you got me, without even seeing that you did
so every other personality trait fades into the background while this takes the wheel
the stage
it feels like every other sentance should be IT
every other word should be the truth
but i dont want to say it, dont want to feel like a fool
I learned a long time ago that telling people the truth is selfish
dont unless they ask! and if you've told them once, dont tell them twice
its just.... uncomfortable
dont ask about a shrink. they cost a lot of money... i bet.....

i dont care about the repair anymore
not right now
i just want to shut off the lights and be done done done
with thinking with feeling with functioning
clean, over, done

hahahahahaha

shiny,
plastic
hard

YOU THINK

YOU'RE ALONE?

Its interesting,

how instead of being all honesty all the time,
we have two seperate relationships
to match my two seperate states of being.

we have the surface relationship,
the one the floats on easily, superficial and limited
haphazardly sewn together by "How are you" texts and daily visits,
No I can't stay today, I have geometry.......
No, I'm perfectly fine, I promise, Nothing's wrong.....
"Just forget it"
"Nevermind"

Then we have this other very cowardly, very fleeting relationship that is absolutely not surface
A ghost of our past, perhaps
The Ugly Sides peaking through, scribbling scrawling Hate and Love and Fear and Sorry into thousands of crisp white pages....
This sullen, undercurrent, dark connection that all but disappears in the daylight.
But it's turning, it's twisting
it's festering
festering inside me like the new, crude sores on my right hip.
We trade our minds via notebooks,
avoiding eye contact.....
cowardly, indeed.

Well, in response,
I would really love to be the person saying sorry instead of the one on the other end.
Because I've been there before
and I mean I LIVED there.
That's always been MY role. YOU were hurt, and I was sorry.
I've only begun to realized how fucking sorry I really should have been, back then.
But now the scripts been re-written.
Tables turned.
Now you know what it's like to be sorry.
And I know just how much "I'm sorry" doesn't help at all.
And it's a very right, necessary lesson for me. It fits
and I'm learning. Yes, I'm learning what it's like to hurt.

What a fucking sick, distorted relationship(s).
Oh well, what can you do.
No, really.... What can you do?

Just make a smile come back and shine, just like it used to be,
and I whisper,

How can you do this to me?

"Sorry"

doesn't help,
it didn't even the first time
And I'm glad you feel sorry, I am
But no matter how many times you utter the word, I'm still down
down down down

yeah, i'm sorry too
we're always sorry