Yours

I'll be your father, I'll be your mother, I'll be your lover,
I'll be yours.
I'll be the water bathing you clean,
Liquid Blue

i liked it when

i was in control
and you were just a little girl

YOU

What am I doing?
You take the first step
because I am so disgusted by the thought of once again, reaching out to you, trying to map it all out in my head, and you know what
you go first. You prove it.

I cant even make sense of it anymore. If you care enough, let me know, and then we can figure something else. But I can't help feeling like we're fighting fate, trying to mess with the inevitable. You already think this "distance" is normal; just a bump in the road. I beg to differ. I'm not saying it isn't expected..... just not something to be chalked up as average. It's, by my definition, a big deal. But you have all these new friends who care about you so much, and all your weekly parties, and all that other shit. So it probably doesn't feel that different to you.

All I know is that I had a table of friends and now I don't. That I had a very best friend - one I could trust with absolutely anything, told all my thoughts and feelings to, knew all my secrets, and now I don't. All I have is my memories of the past, memories I thought you cherished too. Turned out I was wrong. I have a hatred of now, hatred of this life, and hatred of myself. Confusion, dissapointment, and a sense of being immeasurably lost. All I can think to do is to stop and dissect myself to figure out what's really going on. Then I can continue.

And you know what? I don't give a shit what you think about it. How much you think you understand, how bad you think you have it, and what you think about what I'm doing now. I don't have to explain myself to you, simply because you haven't been here with me through it all. You've been off on your own little planet, and the gap between us is so much more vast than you seem to think. Quite frankly, I don't know where to start, or how to fix any of it. But for now all I can do is let go. And I mean everything--- the memories, the growth, the maturity, the strength, everything I thought I was. I'm going to rub myself raw and stop trying, because there's no one to try for anymore, nothing to try at. Nothing, No one, Not at all.

shut the,

fuck up.
its not all about you sometimes.
I ramble on in a blog post about how I feel and the first thing you jump to is YOUR LIFE
YOUR PROBLEMS
YOU YOU YOU
I didn't even ask about you.
How about, you listen to me?

we've had plenty of chances to talk.

Fuck You

I I I I I will brush off all the dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt and I I I I I will pretend it doesn't hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt hurt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it doesnt
it
it
it
it
it
doesnt
hurt

Maybe,

we're done here. Because our worlds don't even touch. And You see things through rose colored glasses. And now that I know what's really going on inside your little brain, I can see that you, honestly, just like to whine.

If you gave two shits about my life you'd know all about it. But you don't, and maybe you don't anymore. Maybe we can't stop a thing like this, maybe it was on the horizen the whole time. And maybe, I can be okay with that. Because i've lost all faith in people. Whoever I trusted and confided in before, (which was mainly you) I don't anymore. Because a) no one wants to hear it. (you should think about that, too.) and b) I don't want to tell it only for it to fall on deaf ears. Because whatever needs to be done I'll do by myself, All, by, myself. I won't lie - I do need you. But you do not need me, and so now whether its healthy or not, I'm going to let you go.

I know I have a lot to learn. But I already know that the best way to build up is to break down. And oh, I am going to. I am going to fall so hard and so far that I won't be able to recognize anything anymore. And then, I'll start from scratch. Because it's obvious everything -- all aprende was for us -- doesn't apply anymore. Who gives a damn, right? It's easy to turn and forget. New game, new rules. So you play your game and I'll play mine, and we won't have to pretend like it's "we", anymore. No. From now on,

It's just me.

So bye, have fun, figure it all out and you'll be fine. But i'm done faking too. We're done.

I WANT

OUT