unaffected
the monster inside of me grows small
smaller....
and it misses you
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
march 6
saturday's sunshine
a small interval of welcomed nothingness
and i can't even remember what obligations i face next
so i'll stop trying
a small interval of welcomed nothingness
and i can't even remember what obligations i face next
so i'll stop trying
Friday, March 5, 2010
dont misunderstand
me though,
i mean there are a lot, a lot of things about this year i'm not too happy about
and i have a lot, a lot of days where i wish i could go back
but these past 8 months i wouldnt trade for anything because they made the way i am now
and when i'm thinking clearly,
i love who i am now. i love 9th grade mackenzie
i love how i think of others now
i love that i've made up for my mistakes last year
i love how i'm nice now
i love how i'm not selfish
and when i am, i catch myself
i love that no matter how hurt, angry, and irrationally upset i am,
i can see past it and do the right thing
say the right things
and i love that i'm blue, not red
because red can be a very ugly color
make a note of that
blue has its faults too,
but if i had to compare the two, i'd choose blue
because i'd rather be unbalanced, grounded, and good
than perfect, selfish, and carefree
i mean there are a lot, a lot of things about this year i'm not too happy about
and i have a lot, a lot of days where i wish i could go back
but these past 8 months i wouldnt trade for anything because they made the way i am now
and when i'm thinking clearly,
i love who i am now. i love 9th grade mackenzie
i love how i think of others now
i love that i've made up for my mistakes last year
i love how i'm nice now
i love how i'm not selfish
and when i am, i catch myself
i love that no matter how hurt, angry, and irrationally upset i am,
i can see past it and do the right thing
say the right things
and i love that i'm blue, not red
because red can be a very ugly color
make a note of that
blue has its faults too,
but if i had to compare the two, i'd choose blue
because i'd rather be unbalanced, grounded, and good
than perfect, selfish, and carefree
still
it all just makes me sad
still
sad
and i'm still fighting currents
taking one deep breath, two deep breaths
and i'm never quite swimming
and i'm never quite drowning
but i'm always above the waterline, for enough time
to convince myself i'll be alright
and it's not even stormy anymore
but somehow its still hard sometimes
i have days where i think i see shore,
and i have days where i dont even look
so what do i do on days like these
where im under too long
where i'm holding my breath
what can i do to make sure i "march forth?"
keep going keep living
i dont know
listen really quick
i had a scary thought the other day
so what if... parallel universes exist
and maybe there's one real one, and the others are illusions?
mirrors? what-ifs?
What if there are thousands and thousands
all dependant on which desicion i make? out of every choice i could possibly make, there's an entire universe for each one? in each one i'm different, everyone's different, everything changes
i thought:
maybe i did something
something completely unplanned and off track and cold steely wrong
something that was small, but momentus.
maybe i made a certain choice somewhere that set everything in motion
what if,
there's a universe parallel to this one in which highschool is what i wanted it to be? what you wanted it to be? a universe in which i not only existed by thrived? what if we all thrived? and together? what if everything went as it was supposed to originally?
where we werent all seperated, never lost ourselves along the way, never felt failure?
i thought just maybe, i was in the wrong universe
i thought maybe, i was the illusion, the mirror
and my entire world as it is now isnt even real?
because its all so wrong, it cant be the truth
think of the movies where someone goes back in time, changes something, and their future is different and fucked. where the course of time was somehow altered to throw everything off balance. somehow, everything is shifted and nothing is right
its impossibly wrong
that's how intense i feel about my life, since highschool began
i actually considered the idea in which i fucked up the space time continuum, and that's an explanation for my life as it is now
that i'm in a horribly altered parallel universe
that somewhere there is a happy, healthy, red mackenzie
with you three by her sides, locked together
with a full heart and a stable mind
and thats where i should be?
well,
if i am in a mirror world,
that would make a lot more sense than the idea that this was all actually meant to happen
that its not a mistake
still
sad
and i'm still fighting currents
taking one deep breath, two deep breaths
and i'm never quite swimming
and i'm never quite drowning
but i'm always above the waterline, for enough time
to convince myself i'll be alright
and it's not even stormy anymore
but somehow its still hard sometimes
i have days where i think i see shore,
and i have days where i dont even look
so what do i do on days like these
where im under too long
where i'm holding my breath
what can i do to make sure i "march forth?"
keep going keep living
i dont know
listen really quick
i had a scary thought the other day
so what if... parallel universes exist
and maybe there's one real one, and the others are illusions?
mirrors? what-ifs?
What if there are thousands and thousands
all dependant on which desicion i make? out of every choice i could possibly make, there's an entire universe for each one? in each one i'm different, everyone's different, everything changes
i thought:
maybe i did something
something completely unplanned and off track and cold steely wrong
something that was small, but momentus.
maybe i made a certain choice somewhere that set everything in motion
what if,
there's a universe parallel to this one in which highschool is what i wanted it to be? what you wanted it to be? a universe in which i not only existed by thrived? what if we all thrived? and together? what if everything went as it was supposed to originally?
where we werent all seperated, never lost ourselves along the way, never felt failure?
i thought just maybe, i was in the wrong universe
i thought maybe, i was the illusion, the mirror
and my entire world as it is now isnt even real?
because its all so wrong, it cant be the truth
think of the movies where someone goes back in time, changes something, and their future is different and fucked. where the course of time was somehow altered to throw everything off balance. somehow, everything is shifted and nothing is right
its impossibly wrong
that's how intense i feel about my life, since highschool began
i actually considered the idea in which i fucked up the space time continuum, and that's an explanation for my life as it is now
that i'm in a horribly altered parallel universe
that somewhere there is a happy, healthy, red mackenzie
with you three by her sides, locked together
with a full heart and a stable mind
and thats where i should be?
well,
if i am in a mirror world,
that would make a lot more sense than the idea that this was all actually meant to happen
that its not a mistake
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
it's tuesday
and i'm tumbling and towering
twisting and turning, tired and tense
tame, tangled, and at times terrified
talking too much about how there's too little time
but i'm trying
tomorrow's wednesday
and i'm wondering if waiting will work out
wishing that i had willpower to wake up
wanting nothing but wonderful, whispers of sleep
and watching as winter wilts and welcomes spring
as i'm still a Who in a Where asking
Why?
but whatever,
its a war and i might just be winning
twisting and turning, tired and tense
tame, tangled, and at times terrified
talking too much about how there's too little time
but i'm trying
tomorrow's wednesday
and i'm wondering if waiting will work out
wishing that i had willpower to wake up
wanting nothing but wonderful, whispers of sleep
and watching as winter wilts and welcomes spring
as i'm still a Who in a Where asking
Why?
but whatever,
its a war and i might just be winning
Monday, March 1, 2010
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